Today's Trip

Life is not a movie, happy new year

2011-12-27T12:26:00.000+02:00

As the year comes to close, I realize more and more that life is not a movie. When the curtain drops on this year it doesn't mean there will be a fade to black leaving the audience with their imagination of the best. It doesn't fade to black, it just dawns another calendar year and we do the same things all over again. You don't get standing ovations in real life and best you get a lone man clap. The theater of life is not always as kind as the critics of the arts.

Right about now many of you are making new year's resolutions, things like lose weight, love more, cry less, be happy and stuff like that pop on many list at this time of the year. I don't make those lists because let's face it I will never keep them. I don't I rather just decide to I am doing something in the new year and do it rather than being bound by a list.

No do overs
Life doesn't offer do overs, that's pretty lame I think. I would like to do over a lot of things and in fact just remove myself from a lot of situations. So bearing that life doesn't offer clean slates and second chances are as rare as new planet discoveries and me actually solving a mathematical problem I say ditch the do over idea and make the only chance you have count. Wow them or leave 'em wrecked.

Take what you can and give plenty back
I am pretty lucky. I don't know how got that way but I have been so blessed but jeepers I am a complainer of note! I am sad, I am broken, I got my heart broken... boo hoo life is short move and make a plan. I give myself that pep talk a lot lately which is funny because I don't listen to myself, I am pretty bad at it. But I felt so fulfilled when I gave back this holiday season and I realized how petty everything else it.

So, here is to a new year: wow 'em, wreck 'em and give plenty back.

The Journey is short but the road is dangerous

2011-12-19T17:29:00.000+02:00

The journey is not easy and the road is dangerous. I am pretty convinced that every time I get ready to embark on a new adventure I get a vision of this path full of danger and unquestionable obstacles that I all but talk myself out if it -- this is definitely the reason I haven't built a rocket ship. Yes the journey is most definitely not easy and I never know if I will make it to end but that's the beauty of a new adventure they keep telling me, what lies! To be honest and fair, what is wrong with cowardice, why can't I have just curl up in my room and never leave my house again because everyday is an awfully big and scary adventure.

The journey is short but the road is long. The phrase "it will end soon" come up a fair amount. When exactly is this soon? Get from point A to B, that simple -- really? Well if it was that simple why do I feel like I have been going forever without any real perspective for an end point? I am being serious, the journey might be short but the road is long and I am afraid of what lies ahead.

The journey holds secrets but the road has the answers. I don't get it. There is so much in life that remains unanswered, I want to know why people always disappoint, I want to know why people always make promises they never keep. The nature of human beings confuse me and I rather embark on this journey alone, as dangerous and long as it because at least I wont be disappointed.I suppose its one of two choices really, cowardice or dare to embark on something amazing.

The Journey is frightful but the road is part of the adventure.

Give me my dwarf star: the quest for normalcy

2011-12-13T14:12:00.003+02:00

The quest of normalcy is a difficult one. All my life I think I have trying to find some sense of it. It's shape changes and the reason for it evolves but still I chase it.

The cliche is always "why be normal when you can be so much more". I think the definition of normal needs to be explained in this context. Normal doesn't mean the same or like everyone else, Normal here means happy and right.

I don't think it's fair to categorize normal with ordinary, I don't think the feeling of normal is the same as being normal. To feel normal requires a lot more from the human pysche than the purely being normal. You work at feeling normal in most situation because everything that happens mostly deviates from the norm.

I chase normalcy when unrequited love is experience only to love someone in the right way and care about them better, happier… normal.

I chase normalcy is loss because the other option is hard to bare. No one wants to wallow in loss and the pain loss brings, some sense of normalcy is the only way to deal with it. If there is a no sense of normally, the pain and the fear of its constant presence can weigh a person down.

Normalcy from the extraordinary, even a raging supernova was once a sparkling star. Being so much more than normal can be hard work. Sometimes normalcy just means being a dwarf star rather a supernova.

Normalcy from the mundane, even the day to day can be overwhelming. A normal day shouldn't be too much to ask.

Normalcy: that's the watch word. "I am trying desperately hard to be normal someone once day to me, but is so darn hard I think I will give up on it."

Normal isn't easy but a little bit of it would be great. The world promises so much sometimes, you just need to take a step back and separate the amazing and the will destroying.

Time to stop being afraid and just fit in to the boundaries of your dwarf star.

Tick tock goes the clock

2011-10-09T14:50:00.000+02:00

Where did the time go?

I have been bad here again. I have tried to keep up the blog but when you write for a living something happens to writing for fun. All your time gets sucked up.

The last few months have been quite eventful, from South Korea to Greece, France and Germany. I have been a busy girl. My new job keeps me quite busy and Cape Town keeps me entertained, well sorta.

I am now managing editor at memeburn.com, pretty big responsibility and I am trying my hardest to keep it together. I have barely had time to exercise which sucks because I really enjoyed exercising, however I am working on a plan for better physical activities.

Tripping around the world

I met up with Fiona in South Korea, which was lots of fun, I hadn’t realised how much I missed her and hanging with her. There is something to be said about the good old days of uncomplicated life choices and when everyone was open with each other. I also ate some questionable cuisine and loved it, also made some incredible new friends. South Korea was a definite win.

Eurotripping with my dad, possible the longest/shortest ten days of my life! My dad decided for my masters graduation he would take me to three European countries of my choice. We began in Greece, we spent some time in Athens then an Island or two and then found our way to Paris, where I got lost in the delectable macaroons that Laudree had to offer before we made our way to Frankfurt for some beer. The trip was simply amazing. Getting up to mischief and living boldly.

Missing friends and family

In the last month I have missed my sisters so much it hurt. I missed my best friend Deej, so much has happened in the last few months, so much which has been lost and gained that I wish I could share with her. I am enjoying my new life but there are parts of the old one that seems so far away. Sometimes I think I can feel it al fading away.

Little steps I think. That’s what is needed, deep breaths and little steps then all will be right or wrong but it won't be boring.

Because Nigeria needs new heroes

2011-08-26T16:31:00.004+02:00

"I am the voice of Isaac Boro, I speak Ken Saro Wiwa."

There is something pretty inspiring about those words especially when it was inspired by the words of Saro-wiwa himself: "We are going to demand our rights peacefully, non-violently and we shall win."

I stumbled upon this music video by Nigerian hip hop/soul singer and songwriter, Nneka, called "Soul is Heavy". The song speaks to Nigerian heritage, it speak of Shell in what can be considered a melodic rock song about Africa's most populous nation.

It mentions historical figures and revolutionaries Isaac Boro, Ken Saro Wiwa, Jaja of Opobo and their contributions to the efforts to change a nation riddled with political issues.

I especially love this song because of the tribute to the like of Saro Wiwa. The Niger Delta is still in turmoil. New heroes need to rise to help complete the works that was started by the heroes of the past.

Because Nigerians need to tear the stereotypes that shackle them in today's society.

Dearest: It's been two years to the day

2011-07-04T12:09:00.002+02:00

Dearest,

I have two great fears. A fear of forgetting and a fear of remembering.

I am afraid, I will forget you one day Dearest. I go to sleep and wait for you and when I wake, I shut my eyes tightly hoping you will come back. I miss you terribly Dearest. I find the memories fading slowing, I can't remember the colour of the top you wore on our last day together. I can't remember what you told me on my graduation day or your wish for me when I turned 21. I found myself crying because I can't remember our last real conversation. I am so afraid, I am afraid will lose whatever is left of you in mind. Help me Dearest, help me keep you forever.

I am afraid of remembering. I am afraid of remember this day but it won't go away. The memories of this day haunt my dreams and they won't let go. I am afraid of remembering because the sadness cripples me. The pain of what can never be, the pain of what was lost and the pain of all that was shared. It's so much and I am afraid of my lack of self control.

I am older Dearest, you always said life would make more sense when I was older. It doesn't. I suppose you knew that, but you just wanted to give me hope that maybe one day I would understand. Thanks, I will pretend that I am still not old enough for the enlightenment you meant.

I miss you Dearest, I wish I could see you one more time. I wish you could tell me I am being silly with these fears. I wish we could go shopping and eat ice-cream in the car and talk about all the things I want to do. I miss you so much Dearest.

This road ahead is empty without you.

Yours always
M

I need a scooter to craft my life

2011-03-18T12:44:00.000+02:00

I want a scooter.
I want a scooter with a basket in the front.
Why does that sound familiar? Oh I know, I have been wanting one that for a while now. If I mention this to the fathership he'll probably say something like "save your money."

I don't want a scooter to use it.
No, I really I want a scooter because it will be a life that is mine.
That's all everyone wants essentially out of life. A life that is theirs, one that isn't dictated and fashioned. A life created by their mistakes, their triumphs and their darkest desires.

This has been an interesting week.
I gave up three things for lent in an effort to be better.
It's been an interesting trip, since Ash Wednesday. Everything that has happened since then seem to be adamant that my lent is superfluous and irrelevant. I wonder if that's what's called temptation? Doubtful, I expect my temptation to be a touch more cinematic, as I am dramatic.

I want my scooter.
I need my scooter to craft my life.
I want a scooter so I can have some grasp on my life. I want to sit on a scooter I will never ride because I need a place of calm and silence. I need a scooter because without that second of calmness and quiet I just might lose myself in the noise.

Feeling is hard now, so I rather not

2011-03-10T10:00:00.002+02:00

I am not as strong as I used to be.
It has taken all of myself control to stay in tact.
A friend of mine just died. When I got the news my words were: "What are you talking about?" disbelief still colours my thoughts, hours later. I always have naivety when it comes to people close to me, I expect them to be there forever.

You'd think I would have learnt.
Everyday the lesson needs reteaching.
Two years ago I lost my mother in what has now become the worst year of my life. Actually every year since that seems to lose any real chance at being great. Nothing has been the same without her and things try to be almost good but never really get there.

I don't know how to be strong.
I actually don't see the point.
Every time someone I care about dies, something inside of me goes with them. I have lost my joy, I have lost the spark in my sass, I have lost my belief and I have lost heart. Feeling is hard now, so I rather not. Loving is too painful, so I have given it up.

I want my strength back.
I need to be closed off.
The colder the word becomes, the icier I should be.
I wish my joy would return, I wish my sass had its old spark. I want to have my belief again, I wish I could feel.

Loving is still too hard.
So for now, that can wait.

So, I am getting a job at Hooters

2011-03-09T10:00:00.003+02:00

"nous nageons dans la merde" ( we're swimming in shit)

That we are.
Life is a ball of fun, I quite like it.
Everyday something pretty gobsmacking happens. You might not expect it -- most often you don't -- and when you do expect it comes with an extra kick of "surprise" just to unhinge you a bit. Life is exciting like that. Never letting you forget who's boss.

Unexpected life surprises.
Those are never few and far between.
In fact I am pretty convinced Life has them thrown out on a secondly basis. Every time one hits you it chuckles gleefully uttering the word: "sucker". I know some very nice people who have turned into bitter bettys thanks to Life's special brand of "sucker". I, on the other hand refuse to become that.

I traded myself for a chicken.
Well I think that's what I did. Could have been a duck.
The darling Kenyans, decided to teach me Swahili, I am learning over Skype. In my effort to learn this new language, I seem to be fond trading myself for stuff instead of saying a simple, "my name is". It's quite fun to think about it. One day I will wonder Nairobi thinking I am speaking Swahili but in fact I am trading myself for various farm animals.

See?
I refuse to let Life get me.
"You're mean" he said to me after I refused his advances...

I just walked into the bar to watch a spot of football and the drunken mess approaches me and says: "I am going to hook up with you tonight."
"You think?" I respond, in good spirits.
"uhuh," he smiles confidently.
"Wishful thinking is great isn't?" I ask a little bit icily.

...So I am mean.
Perhaps, I have had a few unexpected surprises.
The most recent being the loss of my PhD funding. That was a great surprise to a day that was going somewhat awful. The email that informed me of this had the audacity to be cheerful. It asked how my day was and hoped I was doing well and then went to imply that I keep well afterwards. Oh the pure unadulterated audacity.

I am not mean.
I am not even jaded by Life.
Life has a job to do and I am it.
Life is great and I quite like. It has a certain Je ne sais pas that makes it a thrill to be alive. When push comes to shove I can always get a job at Hooters, I am convinced I have the rack for it.

Sorry my emotions are busy at present, try again later

2011-03-02T13:56:00.003+02:00

"I am emotionally unavailable."
Really? Where did your emotions go?
I hate that phrase, possibly the most ludicrous phrase in all of the English language. Okay maybe not but it's in my top 10. I am sorry I cannot take someone seriously when they look me in the eyeballs and say that. Dude, what on earth have you done with your emotions? Locked them away inside the Loch Ness monster? Hence it is not available?

"You are emotionally unavailable."
Hello! Hold the phone, I am what?
The tables have turned. I was told this a few hours ago. Ordinarily I would have ignored it because really, what does "the French-slugging far away lives in my computer" pal of mine know anyway? Me apparently, ok if he believes that; I am not going to ruin it for him. Truth is, people have tried to explain the whole emotional unavailability to me before.

Reasons:
Broken little boys become emotionally unavailable men -- I like this one. At least there is a cause. But still "broken little boys" harbour pain rather than locked away emotions.

I am unable to feel for someone -- erm I am sorry what? That makes no fathomable sense whatsoever. Think about it everyday without consent you feel for people. In fact this is just stupid.

Not the relationship type -- this is what makes me apparently emotionally unavailable. Because apparently if you're not ready to "happy-go-lucky" it with someone else it's a bad thing. A sign of emotional damage and a broke core. Emotional unavailability. OH.MY.WORD. Really? Are we those people?

I feel like people use this phrase for lack of something better to say. There you are caught in an "almost relationship" and instead of manning up and saying "Yo, I am not feeling you." You pipe up "I am emotionally unavailable," just so the other person doesn't feel quite as rejected. What nonsense. I find that offensive.

I am emotionally unavailable for you.
That's much better.
My emotions aren't locked within the phantom beast. They are just not available to you right now and that I cannot change. That's the truth and all you "emotionally unavailable" people know it. Your emotions are there and available, you're just not willing to give them to the person asking for them. Your emotions are otherwise engaged.

I closed my wings too long

2011-02-28T09:30:00.003+02:00

I closed my wings too long.
Now I don't remember how to fly.
I am not a rebel. Freedom of spirit isn't really concept anyone truly understands. I know how to run and I know how to soar. But I closed my wings to rest for a while. You insisted I stay a bit longer and here I am. My wings are closed...

I flew high.
I was up in the clouds, happy without burden.
My wings let me soar, I have no fears. I have been up here for such a long time and I like it here but they keep begging me to come down for a little while. I have been thinking about resting for a while but I love it up here, where I am in-charge.

"One day... I shall close my wings and rest for a little while," I always thought.

I flew low.
The clouds began to disappear.
They can all see me coming down, it makes them happy. I am closing my wings slowly, I am almost at the bottom. I am here. You take my hand as I touch the ground. "Welcome home," you said as you kissed my cheeks.

...I can't open my wings.
I have forgotten how.
I feel lost and distant. This ground has me trapped. I need the clouds, I need to soar again. Release me from this wingless form.

I closed my wings far too long.
I cannot rest anymore.
I need to fly far away, where I am alone up in the sky.

Vi veri universum vivus vici

2011-02-21T09:30:00.014+02:00

"By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe" - No I did not just watch V for Vendetta again nor did I reread Christopher Marlowe's Dr Faustus.

I had an epiphany and this phrase popped into my head at the moment of discovery.

Relevance.
That's what this phrase reminds me of, my relevance.
Everyday society renders us irrelevant, we are cast on the shores of distant memories. Our lives become a tale no one can really remember. It becomes something that is worth forgetting because it's too hard to remember. Hence becoming it irrelevant.

I don't want to be irrelevant.
Almost a year ago I wrote a post about how we will not be remembered. Clearly relevance is an old issue for me. I have a tendency to over imprint, it is my nature and I can't seem to help it. Most of often it is taken the wrong way. A desperate cry for help could be seen and jealous plea for attention. A quiet reflection could be misunderstood as indignation to those around.

I am irrelevant.
So are you. But it's okay. That's it.
That was my moment of 'aha!' it's not irrelevance that frightens me because at some point, somewhere we all are. I was more afraid of the forgetting, forgetting does not mean irrelevancy. Even if the world forgets, my relevance is not counted by the memory of the many but the impact on the one.

Vi veri universum vivus vici.
"By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe".
I make someone's life relevant by letting them impact me and if I can impact one, then the truth I have and the universe is mine for the taking.

I am relevant.
So are you.

Skews me? It's a 'Soem'

2011-02-18T09:30:00.001+02:00

Laughter.

You hear everyone say it.

Laughter is the best medicine. I never really bought into it. Yes I will laugh but afterwards I am heading back to the craziness so how does that help again?

No really laughter is the best medicine.

Yes I am re-evaluating my ways. I got invited to a comedy show last night. A friend of mine was the opening act for this guy Dylan Skews. It was cool, Lishy, G and I got to hangout together.

The comedy.

I have one word for it -- effortless. Really he's a funny dude this Skews character. Some comics, not that I have seem many ( I do watch Last Comic Standing though), they reach. Comics push so hard for the punchline that they miss the jump. You must let your audience know where you're headed before they lose interest or you better sweep them off their feet the punchline.

Dylan Skews?

He made it easy. I don't want to search for a punchline, I want it to come to me seamlessly. Like an old lover that knows how to mould to my thoughts. I also want comedy to be exciting like a new game being played, the quest of the unknown the anticipation of what's next. Wow, I expect a lot out of comics, no wonder I barely find anyone funny.

Skews Me, is actually a really good show, full of humour and explicit wit. Possibly the only comic I have heard lately ( aside from Nigerian comics) tell a Nigerian joke that actually made me laugh. A spin on a running joke but better than the tired old chaff. Skews is funny and crude but not once are you disgusted or uncomfortable you're too busy laughing to remember.

Laughter is the best medicine.

I am light and giddy and ready for the next challenge. If you're in Cape Town, go see Skews Me on Broadway in Long Street. He'll sing you a "Soem". Sorta.

Yes genius, I am full of wonderment

2011-02-16T09:30:00.023+02:00

Wobblies.
There is a place and a time for a wobbly.
I firmly believed that. Though one can hardly plan a wobbly now can they? That is the very nature of a wobbly that it happens at the most inconvenient and unexpected time. Someone once said to me "nothing ever bothers you". Really? You can tell that by just looking at me and reading my tweets? Wow how intuitive it of you. Because you know my tweets are perfectly serene and talk about rainbows and unicorns and happy fairy godmothers bringing me lovely garments and cookies. Lest not forget my Facebook updates full of cheer and wonderment that makes you wonder if happiness threw up on me. Yes you're right genius, nothing EVER bothers me.

I had a wobbly.
Oh hello something bothered me.
I always thought when I had a wobbly it would manifest in the form of a film set in the 1920s, cool and calculated. I pictured Paul Newman, Henry Fonda, Barry Sullivan, you get where I am going with this -- Classic Hollywood. Something worthy of Hitchcock, Nugent or Rosenberg. You know the scenes, the ones where a perfectly sane character clinically snaps. I would get dressed in the morning, looking very well kept, not alluding to any possible "craziness". Then I would walk into some public place, pick up a baseball bat, have a go at someone's head as if it were the norm then I would light a cigarette ( having never smoked) and call my best friend and make plans for dinner. Something cinematic.

My wobbly?
Not so cinematic.
I felt like I was spinning, literally my skin could barley contain me and in one final effort to not lose my cool, I took a sip of vodka and talked politics while I walked furiously to distract from the fact that my world seemed like it could end momentarily. It was not fun.

I still feel like I am losing ground, only now I think I shall tie myself to the chair nailed to a wall.

I just can't give him up

2011-02-15T09:30:00.011+02:00

Thirteen months.
That's when I met him. He called me a genius and spoke French lazily to me. It was easy to be enchanted. Something inside me felt I would one day leave him stranded, all in love on his own. Little did I know he was more like me than I could ever imagine. We wrote long emails and talked till the earlier hours of the morning.

Conversations came easily, Plato, Cicero and Google Wave. He made me smile, he made me mad and he discombobulated me. So arrogant sometimes, he said things he didn't mean, so closed off unwilling to share himself and always had a comeback.

Things with him was never easy, many times I wanted to forget him. I wanted to say to him take your memories, take your smiles and leave. Many times I wanted to lock the person I was with him away and brand the freedom I had with him a tasteless dream. Things were never easy, but they were never boring.

When conversation got tired and drawn I lost myself. I often wondered what we could have been, what we should have been. I gave him up, that was hard, giving people up is never easy. I tried to wash away the ruins that my emotions left behind but the baggage refused to leave.

So I stopped. He still makes me smile, he still teases me with his lazy French. He still calls me a genius and I still want to wring his neck when he refuses to see my point.

13 months.
It feels like a lifetime.
I still write him long emails about my day. He is a friend I am afraid I just can't give.

My Siren song: A delectable secret

2011-02-14T09:30:00.027+02:00

"Women have a talent no man can ever posses, they taunt, they smile, they look and they have a way about them that can undo any man."

Last night I had a rather revealing conversation with a very good guy friend of mine. Highlights of the conversation went something like this:

D: Women are trouble M, you know you lot are right?

M: lol, that's a bit harsh. What happened?

D: Women are just complicated.

M: I am not complicated at all.

D: Sweety, you are the mecca of complication, there's complicated and there's you.

M: Dude!

D: Women are my personal hell.

That's what I find interesting, women are his personal hell. Really? Of all the things going on in the world, women are his personal hell? One exasperated explanation later and I got the skinny on why women haunt men or this man as it were. According to D all women are beautiful, even if it's not clearly defined. Her laugh, the way she ruffles her hair, a smile even her rage is apparently a tempestuous beauty. That beauty is a supposed problem for guys because it's like a Siren's song.

The complicated women theory is not actually about women being difficult to understand. Really? Yes apparently, complicated women are complicated because they hold a secret and that secret makes them even more appealing. Secrets are part of a woman's charm, mystery hidden behind words and gestures. The quest to uncover that secret drives men insane and complicates their life. Whose fault is that?

I consider myself a direct person. If I want something, I usually go after it. you know like that line from What Women Want: 'No Games, Just Sports'. I am not complicated at all. Wrong it seems, because according to D's "intimate" knowledge on the subject, the more direct, confident and persistent a woman is the more secrets she has. "Oh she's a whole lot of fun that one," he says with glee. (No wonder he is in "hell" he's happy about it.) The reasoning behind this is that more confident and direct a woman is the more "delectable" a secret she has. Ahh, if only D knew some the guys I know.

"All women have this talent to pull men into a hell of confusion, and they do these things without even realising it sometimes. Some are so skilled that they wear these talents permanently. Some have such raw talent that they can't even help themselves and the worse kind, is the woman who doesn't care what men think of her, her appeal is magnetic. She's a like a lioness, careful, patient and persistent."

Makes women sound positively devious and calculating doesn't it? It's easy to get offended by a statement like that but I shall embrace this one. I find the idea of being able to draw men into a 'hell of confusion' with a simple smile rather exciting.

Doctor Who [Infographic]

2011-02-09T17:47:00.004+02:00

Savoir faire...love, sex ladies no regrets

2011-02-01T08:55:00.003+02:00

"It’s a cold and crazy world that’s ragin’ outside, well baby me and all my girls are bringin’ on the fire. Show a little leg, gotta shimmy your chest. It’s a life, it’s a style, it’s a need, it’s burlesque."

Yes I have seen Burlesque, though I care very little for its cinematic prowess -- it had little to none. The music on the other hand is something worth my time. I am spellbound by the music. I am a fan of Christina Aguilera, judge all you want I dig her "mutant lungs".

This post isn't about Burlesque or my membership in the Aguilera fan-base, it is like the title suggests about sex. Yes I am blogging about sex hold the presses. Yesterday I discovered that I apparently have a certain savoir faire when it comes to discussing the topic, well so I am told. Really? I don't see it. I was asked a question yesterday and without thinking or actually listening (there was a fair amount of discombobulation at the time) I answered yes. The correct answer was no, but by the time I realised my error the judgement was made. Trying to wrangle my way out the the proverbial "cage of explanation" was tricky. But why I did I bother?

The question referred to coitus with a friend of mine. A gtalk conversation later revealed why I bothered to defend my "honour" as it were. "That's funny, but why the fuss if they believe you or not, you are a postmodern girl, you can knock boots with whomever you like," H wrote. My reply: "I am NOT knocking boots with anyone!" Note the intensity of my defence. H then carried on to explain "me" to me: "Well, yes but you don't shy away from the topic, you discuss it when it's brought up. You talk about it when necessary and to be honest you talk a good game too." That certain savoir faire I was talking about is the "good game". I would proud if I wasn't overcome with a sense of trepidation as to what judgements people have been making based on this "good game".

I defended the coitus non-existent when I didn't really need to. So what if my retraction wasn't believed? My current coitus status is not a matter of national security, no body really cares aside from me. No regrets, that's the mantra of the postmodern girl. Postmodern girls should be open to love, open to caviller coitus and ready to damn the consequences and take the world by storm. I am all for taking the world by storm, but the rest sounds a bit foolish to me.

Happy February.

Not a Hoity Toity kind of girl

2011-01-31T01:37:00.001+02:00

One month.
I have lived in this new city and new life for a full month. 31 days.
It's easy planning your life and a new adventure. It's easy saying: "I will be good at this, I can see all the great things I am going to do." Yes planning is easy. Life, that's a little trickier.
31 days ago, when I began this journey, it was not easy. I planned it and that was a breeze, I accounted for everything. I accounted for loss, loss of self, loss of family, loss of a sense of place. I never expected the adjustment to be easy, neither did I expect it to be hard. I knew things would be different and I prepared for that. I didn't expect that the chameleon within would take over. I didn't expect to forget.

I have lost myself in this city, it has cast a spell on me, there's a mystery in the mist. The waves know a secret and the mountain holds it tight. I would like to say that my 31 days here have been spent in a cosmopolitanesque fashion, with pink drinks, slip dresses, dancing and goodnight kisses. No my 31 days have been a little different. I am not living the 'Hoity Toity' advert, with legs as long as the eyes can see.

6:30 alarm wake ups is what I have. Busy, exciting and full work days and very little to no sleep. That's right very little seems to have changed from the old life with that regard. I love my job, I truly do have one of the coolest jobs in the world. I am learning so much and contributing plenty, I get to do interviews with an iPad and chat to CEOs and what-not (cool, no?).

There has been some adventures. Though I use the word loosely. D and C have made this a month to remember, really. I am not a beach person but I attempted a picnic at the beach a few weeks ago, which wasn't disastrous. Dessert for dinner night is a thing now, I must say I am very proud of this. I am getting better acquainted with my flatmates, Zoo Biscuits and milk are a Sunday night tradition. As for the adventure of a second kind, I can't really divulge any details but they included, a quest for a bathroom bin, fish and chips, dancing and a really suspect hot-dog.

This city has a certain je ne sais quoi and I am in love. Our affair may become torrid if I am not careful.

Yes, planning was easy, this new life is anything but, the chameleon within may have fitted in but I am still trying to make it home.

Cape Town and Mahogany Dreams

2011-01-10T08:42:00.001+02:00

It’s been a while since I was here.

The last three months or so has been hectic even for my world. I got a new job and negotiated moving to the other side of the country in less than two months. This moving process wages, I seem to have accumulated a lot over the years.

So, here I am young, fabulous (don’t hate) and living, fittingly, in fabulous Cape Town. What more could a person want? I have a great job writing for Memeburn.com, awesome friends and sushi bars beyond my wildest dreams. There is one more thing I want, a mahogany headboard darn it! That elegant finish, the majesticity and all encompassing breathless induced sigh that such a piece of wood ignites. No this blog post is not about wood or a headboard I can’t actually afford.

It is about my first week as a Capetonian.

It’s been pretty swell, to be honest. I didn’t come into the city completely without anyone to turn to for a helping hand. The truth in fact is I have a lot of friends in the city so much so I might need a social secretary to manage my social calendar (hehe). It’s been a hell of week, jumped right into the thick of things at work, so much to do and so many amazing things and people I get to work with. Also getting to know the city from a resident’s point of view instead of the tourist/holidaymaker I usually am. My trips to the city usually lasts a week or 10 days at the most, so the end of my first week really brought it home that I am not going back home because I am home. And this shall be my home for the foreseeable future. It’s bittersweet really because there are things and people in my old life that I miss the easy access to. Old friendships might become tested as now because of the distance, effort will have to be made in order to keep the friendship alive. Old views might become shifted to accommodate new ones. However new friendships also make for an interesting adventure and there are some people I am happy to have easy access to now and old friendships once under-nurtured get a new lease on life.

I hope I get the chance to blog more and share my adventures in the Mother City with all of you. Happy New Year, I have a feeling it’s going to be great.

Much love.

Dearest #3

2010-10-28T14:02:00.000+02:00

Dearest,

Help me.
I don't know what to do dearest I am caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place. I don't know how it all began but it seems to have spiralled out of control and I don't know how to stop it. I need to talk to someone but the usual suspects are unreachable. I need you dearest, I am losing myself fast and I don't think I am able to find me again. The way is shut I may not return the way I came, this path leads to pain and despair and ultimately destruction. I feel the despair grab my heart. I am being pulled in all directions, my words are lost to me because no matter which ones I utter they seem to be the wrong ones. I don't know what to do I am afraid of the consequences this path holds, the equation is swallowing me whole, perhaps it's time I removed myself from it and found a new path. Abandoning this path will mean a great loss but I seem to be out of options.
Help me dearest, I don't know what to do.

Yours always

Dearest #2

2010-10-23T20:00:00.001+02:00

Dearest,

I am restless...
There is a strange wind about; it blows towards me the air is intoxicating, thick with change and a little mischief. I can feel its call, my bones shiver yet my soul wants to surrender to it. There is a lull in my world and this wind stirs it; something is wrong dearest I can feel it. Ever since you left my world has never been the same, I have always felt the change, the emptiness and the incomplete.
I think of you more and more these days, I have questions for you. Questions about life, love and heartbreak. My heart has been in pieces since you left, I suppose there's little chance of it breaking since it's already shattered. Is it nice where you are? Does the weather bend to your will? Does it storm when you are angry? Does it pour when your heart is breaking? Does the sun dance when your heart does? Perhaps it's always sunny there, are you happier without me dearest?

Dearest why have you left my dreams, I need you there. Every night I close my eyes and hope to see you there but only darkness and emptiness greet me. A broken heart can break again, my tears turn to ice with every thought of you. My breath is hungry for you, I am waiting dearest under the darken clouds with my icy tears. Please come back to me...

I am restless.

Yours always.

HIV/AIDS: A Moot Point

2010-08-16T21:37:00.001+02:00

Before all of you start jumping to conclusions about my ignorance and what not; how about you actually read what I have to say...

HIV/AIDs has become a moot point of some sort in our society, like everything else in life we go through them in phases. When it was the beginning stages of the disease, there was scepticism and doubt; the phase where we actually believed that such a disease with character couldn’t possibly be. Then we moved to the blind panic phase, I love this phase because it’s so typically human to run rampant without being thoroughly informed, the phase we were afraid of those who had the disease and judged instead of understand. Logically the next stage of our dynamic growth with this disease should be intelligent reorganisation, like the way we think about the disease and our behaviour towards it and most importantly our protection of ourselves and loved ones and such. No, we skipped that phase and just landed on indifference. I know you think you’re not indifferent, you know are careful and cautions when it comes to HIV/AIDs. I bet you really believe that. How many of you mute the television or change the channel when an HIV/AIDs edu-fomercial comes on? Be honest. Tons of us do it, because we sit in our perfectly sculpted safe lives and think that does not apply to me. Some of us do it because we’ve heard it so many times we have become desensitised to it; we could probably rattle off the campaigns word for word. We hear it, but how many of us are actually listening? How many of us truly understand?

A few weeks ago I took my very first HIV test. I go for medical checkups regularly because I am paranoid and after losing my mother to cancer, the hypochondriac in me grew unstoppable wings. Everytime I do the regular tests, blood sugar, iron, cholesterol etc, I get asked if I want an HIV test and I always say no because there’s no possible way I could be HIV positive. Then a few days ago I got tested because I got ambushed and was trying to prove a point. I proved my point, but something dawned on me: what if I was HIV positive? And more interestingly why if I was so confident that there was no way I could be did I never get tested till then. Then it hit me, as educated as we think we are about this disease we really are clueless. When you get tested, they counsel you, and by the time they’re talking to you there’s a good chance your confidence will be shaken. How many of you get tested just because? Seriously? How many people get tested without the expressed instruction of their medical aid or some insurance company? Very few people and the reason for that is that we rather live in blissful ignorance than face what we might consider to be an impossible reality. I watched people agonize over getting tested because they weren’t sure about the random guy they kissed at the club last week. Really? Some guy you kissed? What kind of society are we that we either ignore the problem or jump to incorrect conclusions about it.

HIV/AIDs is a moot point because we have resided ourselves to believe that just because we’re not infected we’re not affected by it. We sit and click our thick tongues when we hear about teens being irresponsible about sex and forget that a simple cut can change our own lives. We walk around with aloof authority that we couldn’t possibly be positive because our behaviour is impeccable while desperately hoping the disease will pass us by. We rather pretend it doesn’t exist than face the fact that we are in big trouble. We have made it a moot point.

Why the hell are you single?

2010-08-11T16:42:00.005+02:00

If you’re young, independent, bright and single you’ve probably been asked the question: “why the hell are you single?” For the unattached average 20-something this is a question that plagues your existence. For some it is a constant reminder that you are indeed without a significant other, for others who consciously chose the single life it’s an irritation and for those who have very busy schedules the question is a waste of time and an inconvenience.

A recently divorced colleague of mine asked me the other day where I go to meet guys; my response shocked her because I burst into fits of laughter than actually answering the question. Where are the right places to meet people? A club? Really? Is the height of inebriation the best quality one wishes to examine when picking a potential partner? Or do you attempt to deduce if that person is worth a pursuit after painstakingly deciphering every third word they say because the music allows for very little conversation? Perhaps physicality is your first port of call so you judge based on the amount chemistry between you as your bodies gyrate on the immensely packed dance floor? Maybe a shopping mall then, while you are picking out perfume or lettuce your eyes meet and the rest as they say is history. Does that sort stuff actually happen to real people who have not been carefully created a storyteller’s pen? How does the saying go? People worth meeting or is it of good breeding don’t meet in bars they are introduced? I can’t remember but if the dating relies solely on introductions then we have some problems on our hands. So where do you as a young, independent, working class, single 20-something go to meet people? Truth is I haven’t the foggiest hence my laughter at the question, I fall into the third category of people, I have to pencil in ‘Eat Something’ in my day planner so I will take a moment to eat. I am a grateful insomniac because it helps me keep up with my work. The closest thing I have to “being on the prowl” is the gym and let’s face it’s not an ideal setting for romance.

If you are too busy to meet people, friends and family will decide to set you up because that’s the only way they can get you interested in the dating game. Have noticed how attached people have this burning desire to set up their unattached friends? You get constantly badgered about ‘Mike’ who is successful and intelligent and so your type. So how does one decide on this type thing? We check lists and tick things like: lives at home, doesn’t have job, doesn’t have a degree, laughs funny, bad breath, shifty eyes, never watched Lord of the Rings, doesn’t know what a book is, and doesn’t tweet. Granted some of the things on our lists are somewhat valid, but others are just plain preposterous. We have come up with ridiculous standards that we expect people to meet; when sometimes we ourselves can barely cut it. Yes we should never settle and we should hold out for the best thing but the best thing might come with shifty eyes. Society has groomed us to have these standards and we are far too set in our ways to compromise.

If you by some miracle find someone who checks all the right boxes on your list, hooray for you but then you face the minefield that is dating etiquette. Who calls first? How many days should you wait to call back? Who gets the bill on your first date? Do you go dutch? Assert your independence? I feel so bad for guys trying to navigate the politics of bill-paying; where are the lines between being a gentleman and a chauvinist? Do you offer and let her decline or accept or do you wait to see what she does? How many dates till the first kiss? How many dates till sex? How many dates till you’re in a bonafide relationship where you are responsible for each other’s feelings? There are so many questions that the entire process is a Q & A. There are too many rules and far too much pressure to follow them. I mean who made up these rules anyway? Who decided on the right dating etiquette? Is it the guys who write the dating books? Because I want to know who died and made them the authority on the matter.

In answering the question: “why the hell are you single?” because people are far too busy, their standards are ridiculously high, they got lost in the minefield of dating etiquette and society really has left them no choice.

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies... porkchops

2010-08-10T12:35:00.000+02:00

As a society we have become desensitised to lying, we hear it so often and we tell it far too often that secretly we actually yearn for the little lies dressed in the seductive outfit of near-truths. It's okay if someone lies to you as long has they do it sweetly and use luscious terms of endearment. We love it, because for us the use of such "loving" terms means there must be something beneath it. Words like "babe", "baby" and "porkchops" okay I know I am going to sound a tad melodramatic here but those words are evil; I mean it they truly are. I don't get it really but everytime a male person uses those words referring me or if it comes up in conversation I cringe. Yes I know that's not normal but I have just witness to many sugar-coated lies being told with the words baby, babe or porkchops following or preceding, yuck. "You know you drove me to it baby." "But it meant nothing porkchops, you're the one I want." "Come on babe, I love you why can't you trust me that it will never happen again?" Lies, sweet little lies. These words are always used to confuse people, especially for people in relationships or not quite sure if they have reached relationship status. These words stir the confusion.

These words have become commonplace now, you know someone for 30 minutes and the next thing you know he's calling you baby! I can still accept some terms of endearment in terms of social relations. I just feel "baby" delves a touch deeper than friendship and its use should be limited to such. Babe on the other hand I just can't stand on principle, seriously? what am I a pig? do I look like a side of bacon? It's just not right. Porkchops? like a talking pig isn't bad enough now I am dinner? And not a particularly healthy one. Who came up with that anyway? who decided that porkchops was a worthy term of endearment? How many guys get called porkchops? Do people not see how offensive that is? Of course not, because terms of endearment make us feel good, guy and girls, it doesn't actually matter who says them as long they emerge from the lip want. It doesn't matter what they say as long as baby, babe or porkchops precede or follow it.

Yes I am melodramatic about this but can I say I am tired of being babe or porkchops and especially baby to the perve outside the shopping centre.

Women's Day: The Need for Validation

2010-08-09T10:08:00.002+02:00

Last night I was talking to a rather intrepid friend of mine and women's day came up; the conversation centred around the commercialisation of special days. You know them, Valentine's Day, Easter and Christmas; it's all become about how advertisers make you feel rather than what the day means and symbolises. Today is Women's Day and all over Twitter and Facebook all I see are women talking about being spoilt and treated like queens and men adoring them and making them breakfast in bed and all of that. So I am curious when the did this day become cheapened? Mother's day is a day to appreciate mothers, make them breakfast and spoil with gifts and thank them and such. Women's Day is a day to remember, yes I am all for the public holiday we get out of it, but I doubt when those women marched for the right to vote and treated as equals that their idea was to for some man to buy them a tennis bracelet worth the feeding budget of a small country to acknowledge that.

Yes lots of women want to find me possibly show me the true meaning of harm but come ladies; are you truly content to marvel in breakfast in bed as your right to equality? I am not saying let's all go out there an start marching and burning bras and whatever else, I am just saying we should just perhaps reconsider our outlook on this day. If someone makes you breakfast or buys you a tennis bracelet because they want to and not because they've been coaxed by the clever advertising that's fine, but do not expect it. To expect such on this day indeed cheapens the concept and denies us of our self reliance, the equality that was demanded and the empowerment that we gained when those women said I am more than just a pretty face. Especially in society today where strong and independent women are made to feel less because they do not want to be in traditional roles. So take this day to conquer, to dream and make a difference. Don't expect to be treated like a queen because deserve it, you shouldn't need to be validated; that's the whole point of this day: you have the power now use it. This morning I was jokingly told:

"I'm a firm believer in women empowerment, making you breakfast will be a denial of your self reliance & I'm not such a chauvinist."

So happy Women's Day fellow women and to the guys thanks for appreciating us on daily basis without being told by adverts and special days.

Inspirational Women: Sheena, Charlie and My Mum.

2010-08-08T19:32:00.002+02:00

Pick 'nPay has asked bloggers to write about inspirational women in honour of Women's Day tomorrow. I was going to skip the whole thing but a lovely lady asked me not to so I won't.

There are a fair amount of inspirational women in my life, some I have met and others I have not. The difficulty for me comes in trying to pick one woman who has truly inspired me; the truth is lots of women contribute to the growing inspiration that is my thought space. So I want to write about three women that truly have made me proud to be a young woman today. Each of them have one resounding quality and that is their strength.

First is Miss Sheena Gates, who has so much energy and enthusiasm about her that it is positively impossible to not soak up her sheer power. Last year she wrote this incredibly honest story about the most difficult time of her life and the pain she endured. The vulnerability and intensity with which she expressed this most difficult time in her life moved me to awe her and respect her strength and her drive. The story details a horrific relationship, the loss of an innocent life and her quest to come to terms with her own identity and discovering the power within her. Eventually cumulating to her liberation from a lethal situation, which helped create the amazing woman I know today. Knowing Sheena has been a joy in my life and her tenacity and lust life make a true inspiration and a woman any girl can look up to.

The second, is my best friends mum, Charlie Shelver, she is the funniest and one of the most amazing women I ever met to date. From that first day I walked into her home seven of years she accepted me so wholeheartedly I never felt like a stranger. A single mum, full of vibrancy and independence she is not jaded by anything unexpected in life but creates delicious lemonade from the sours lemons life hands her. She is the life of the party and always considers everyone feelings. She has accepted me into her life and hands out sage advice to me and Donna everyday, inspiring us and amusing us with her Charlisms. She inspires me everyday by just being herself.

The third is my mother, who passed away last year. My mother had a motto for life: work hard and everything else will fall into place. To every little girl or boy their parents can do no wrong and they inspire without trying, as adults children begin to fault their parents easily and it's harder to inspire. My mother inspired me simply by believing in me; in our house there's no such word as "stupid" and you got into trouble for calling a sibling stupid. As a child, my mother never said no any dream I had, she only said "If you're sure you can do it, then it must be a piece of cake." As an adult she tweaked that line to "what are you waiting for do it already." My mother was a strong woman who left everything she knew to follow my dad to build a life they could be proud of together. Together with my dad they introduced me to a love for academia both of them being academics themselves. My mother introduced me to a love affair that has stood the test of time: books; I wish to become a writer because of her influence and encouragement. She was and will always remain in my heart a true inspiration.

They Won't Remember Us

2010-08-06T23:47:00.000+02:00

I was looking for something in my blog archives when I came across a post I had long forgotten about; a post that has become irrelevant in my thought space, a post I hoped I would never forget. I wrote the post in question almost four years ago the day our film class said their final goodbyes. We were the biggest film class our campus has had to date. We were possibly the most unstable group of people, our ideas of dedication boarder on self-hate sometimes but we were a fun bunch and the wacky and unusual never surprised us. That last day a very sweet young lady who is now married wrote us each a letter, I am not sure where mine is but I remember some of it because I blogged it. She said to me:

" ... thank you for the wonderful memories we've made and always willing to be wacky and fun. When in doubt I'll always say "just do it then" ... remember us one day at the Oscars and keep writing and whipping up a literary storm..."

The day I first read the letter the words that stood out to me and the same words that stand out today: Remember Us. As human beings we put so much stock in being remembered, we crave immortality and we work most of of our lives just to secure a piece of the immortal pie. We build our legacies so they can stand the test of time; we want so desperately not to be forgotten yet we do most forgetting ourselves. We cannot wait to forget things and sometimes the things we forget help build that immortal creature we so long to be. I am not in contact with anyone I went to High School with, though my experiences there shaped who I am today. I am only in contact with a handful of people from University and I met some of the best people there and my experiences with them changed my life. I don't remember people from high school or from first, second and third year varsity and there's a good chance they don't remember me. And it's true across the board for all of us. It's not that we don't want to remember them, but we are so busy trying to change or conquer the world and begging it to remember us that we forget that to be immortal means being remembered by people, people whom we have forgotten.

They won't remember us because we don't remember them.

Future Letters: Tearing Up the Corporate World?

2010-08-04T22:26:00.000+02:00

Dear Future Elle,

Someone asked me tonight why I am not “tearing up” the corporate world, why is a “bright young lady like [myself]” (they were very generous with their compliments) in academia. A year ago this answer was easy: “they won’t let me” the big “R” and all. However I found navigating the tumultuous responses the question aroused within me to pick the right answer rather difficult. So I thought I would ask you, seeing as you are the authority on this here topic: my future. As the fires that once raged for things that defined my future die away new infernos are emerging; and the answers to questions once simple become ambiguous. The more I try to figure it all out the harder it gets to conclusively decide what I am trying to figure out. I find myself stuck in that game where I want answers but I am not sure which questions to ask; I am unsure whether or not I am aware of the questions of the game let alone the right ones. There used to be a plan, a plan that was all about the words; if the words came to me, my job was to take them down and create something meaningful and amazing. All the words are there and I am creating something but I am not sure what. There are so many new things, new ideas; new passions that refuse to be quietened and I fear if take a breath I might miss something. I have been reading Auden again, not like before, this time I am looking for something I am convinced it’s there. I feel I have seen it before what seems like a million years ago. There’s something I am missing and it’s staring right me, it is there in front of me but I can’t see it. Did you find it? Do you see it? Will I ever see it? Perhaps I have gone round the bend and you are in a padded room talking to a tin cup. Or perhaps you’re “tearing up” the corporate world and all I need to do is take that breath.

Regards,

Elle

We Created the Morons

2010-08-03T18:46:00.000+02:00

As an academic cum educator, patience is something that becomes second nature to you. When I first started lecturing I was shocked, annoyed and irritated to the point of madness. It just isn’t natural for a 3rd year class to not know about Google; it’s plain ridiculous for a 4th year to think its okay to reference “The Internet” in an academic essay. My first year as a lecturer I felt that I was teaching a bunch of morons; with very few bright sparks mixed in. As the years went on I found that my standards began to drop, I started expecting and accepting these impossible ridiculousness that came my way through the students. I found I was okay with students not knowing who the president was, it didn’t bother me anymore when I saw “Google” being used as a reference despite my screams about how ‘Google does give you information it tells you where to find it’ and the biggest blow of all I was lenient in my penalization of these misdemeanors. When I first started lecturing they were crimes of the highest order, now they are just little misdemeanors. The red flag of the situation hit me when I was marking an academic essay earlier today and a student referenced “my friend down the road” – in those exact words and that was all they wrote, the reference page should consist of at least five books, five online resources and three journal articles. How on earth did I let my class get so loose that they think it is even remotely conceivable that “my friend down the road” will earn anything less than minus 10%? What dizzy daydream are they dancing around in? When I mentioned this to a colleague she just shrugged it off and said “these things happen”.
Seriously? Why do these things happen? I know why, I let them happen, I allowed myself to get suckered into the acceptance that no matter how loud I scream it, and no matter how many minus marks I give student just don’t listen. So instead of pushing I stopped screaming. The only reason we feel that the youth of today are morons, is because we create the morons and by giving up the fight to get them to think beyond their own noses we tell them it is okay to be morons. So I have decided that the old regime is back the regime that requires you to know who the MEC for education in KZN is, the regime that demands that you know what is happening in the news, the regime that deems it sacrilege to not read at least one newspaper a day. The gloves are coming off and I am taking these students to the academic cleaners.

Desire

2010-07-15T02:02:00.000+02:00

I know nothing of true love;

I know nothing of soul mates.

My heart beats for no one;

It lacks in desire.

But this flicker within;

You ignited.

I know nothing of stolen kisses;

I know nothing of ragged breaths.

My heart beats for no one;

It lacks in desire.

But this missing breath of mine;

You stole.

I know nothing of heartbreak;

I know nothing of pain.

My heart beats for no one;

It lacks in desire.

But this hurt I feel;

You inflicted.

I know nothing of loneliness;

I know nothing of emptiness.

My heart beats for no one;

It lacks in desire.

But this hollow within me;

You created.

I know nothing of forever;

I know nothing of longing.

My heart beats for no one;

It lacks in desire.

But this pleasure I feel;

You gifted.

Twilight: Lighten Up

2010-07-06T19:36:00.002+02:00

Someone said to me today that I was cruel to the Twilight franchise, which I felt was an unfair statement. I have been very kind to Twilight understanding that it's not the very worse thing to happen to Cinema ( there's that movie Idiocracy) or contemporary literature. However I think it's time I assessed the it more objectively.

Firstly the story line, it's stagnant; it does not GO anywhere, it's the same roller-coaster continuously. Bella wants to be a vamp, Edward doesn't want to turn her. She wants to have sex he doesn't, if one were to really delve into it he could be considered gay, I mean he dresses better than her and most of the other characters in fact. Eventually he gives in, marries her and has sex with her, and then she has a baby and then he turns her and the baby is in danger. Seriously? Like I said the story does not go anywhere, it lacks complexities that makes a truly riveting story. The writing isn't bad, it sucks you in not because it's telling a great story but the way the story it's told. Who can't relate to dark loner chick? it's fun...

Secondly, we have the characters, I think this is actually what I take issue with the most when I think about Twilight. See, the first time you're introduced the story of Twilight you're so caught up in this haze of impossible romance that all objectivity get's thrown out the window. It takes a second, or third look to truly see what lies beneath the sparkles. These are possibly some of the most shallow characters in literature, Bella is a selfish B*itch for lack of a better word. We all get the unhealthy need she has to become a vamp and spend all eternity the Cullen boy. Not once did she truly battle with her decision with regard to her family, her long suffering father, her colourful but always loving mother. She never considers them, her identity is lost the minute she sees Edward, I am not sure she had one to begin with. Then there's the Cullen boy himself, chauvinistic little prat! I don't care if he is polite and uses words like "court", he pretty much demands that she's not allowed to see her best friend, the same friend that saved her from turning into a vegetable when he left her for her "own safety". He's a coward actually. Enter Jacob Black the friend, I actually like this character, however he resorts to manipulation to get her to admit she loves him. He's probably a little more chipper than the rest of the gang, but he's an idiot, a genuine sucker for punishment.

Thirdly, the themes, every feminist bone in my body screams in pain when I examine the themes in Twilight. Bella Swan is not a role model to anyone, she cannot exists without the men in her life, her whole identity is defined by theirs and what they do and say. She is unable to see herself in her own light, which is quite sad and pathetic. Half the time all she wants to do is have sex and become a vamp, then she affirms she will not do marriage but changes her mind because she'll get sex if she does the marriage thing. Oy vey.... There is so much darkness but it's not even the good kind, I mean lighten up people, there's more to life than being 18. Let's face it her big choice was between necrophilia and bestiality; it just ain't right.

Now away from all that criticism of Twilight, what really bugs me about the series is that Ms Meyer messed with Vampire lore in unforgivable ways and there's not enough blood and battles, ya I said it more blood. As for the movies, the first one sucked, it's only merit was the baseball scene and that was because of the Muse song. The second movie had it's merits, bare perfectly sculpted torsos, the third movie, also bare perfectly sculpted torsos and a fight. However all the movies had really cool soundtracks. I have two suggestions on how Twilight movies can be improved. 1) fire the scriptwriter, the dialogue is just far too ridiculous. 2) hire Chris Columbus he can make magic on screen.

All that aside, I like the Twilight series, because sometimes an awesome soundtrack and perfectly sculpted torsos is just what the doctor ordered. Plus I get to laugh a lot and Peter Facinelli is in it!

A Year ago Today: My Mother Died...

2010-07-04T17:42:00.000+02:00

For 365 days I have tried very hard not think about the day, the hour, the minute, the very second my mother's heart and other organs shut down and seized to be. I have thought about her death the events that led to it but never once did I ever let myself go back to that hospital room. I couldn't you see, the memory of that day haunts me, in the darkness it lurks that day has been my monster in the closet, under the bed. Today makes it a year since her death, it is that day 4th of July a day I have long since hated a month I have hoped will never come. I thought I could close my eyes, take a deep breath and this day would go by without me noticing it but I was wrong. The minute I woke up it confronted me and now I must delve into the belly of the beast and face the creature of my nightmares.

On the 4th of July 2009 at about 9:30am we took my mother to the hospital after she complained of stomach pains, she was on chemotherapy at the time. 13hrs later my mum was dead and she was in an enormous amount of pain. 3hrs before my mother died a nurse unwittingly told me she would die, I don't think she meant to sound cold about it or even let me in on the secret for that matter. I have always thought that nurse robbed me of something that night but today, when I think about it, I am grateful to her because those words prepared my mind for something that could have destroyed me. That nurse was the answer to the prayers, I murmured continuously that day. I was never angry for what happened, I have never felt anger over my mother's death just unrelenting sadness. The hole in my chest has not lessened, sometimes I feel like it's growing some more. I do not think it will ever lessen but I am hopeful it will seize to grow someday, the darkness doesn't haunt me so much these days; I am able to fall asleep with my lights off that's progress, no?

For 12 months I have seen cancer as an enemy that took away one of the most important people in my life, and I hated it. Today however, I am grateful. I am grateful because it taught me lessons that I could never have learnt in a class room. It taught me to love more willingly and openly, it taught me that the cruelty of life is not always a misfortune, it taught me to be brave and helped find strength I never thought I had. It taught to fight and I have hope that someday someone will bring its reign of terror to an end.

Some days I wonder what my mum would say to me about things I am doing or not doing. She could say: "I like your new hair" or "You're spending far too much time at the gym." or "Well done on the book and the masters." Or yell at me for being lazy about the PhD and say: "Let's go get ice-cream at the mall or go to the bookshop." My mother was an amazing woman who had passion and loved her family so much and every cell in my body aches because she is no longer here.

Eclipse: Bare Torsos and a Talking Jasper

2010-06-30T23:10:00.008+02:00

Yes I have paid my blood oath to the commercial vampire clan and graced Edward Cullen and his posy with my presence.

Eclipse is an important book in the Twilight Saga, so the film had a lot to live up to and with David Slade at the helm, I had very little confidence it would ( I saw 30 Days of Night). However I was surprised, the film does its best to live up to the book's intrigue and curious intensity and in some-ways it manages this. It takes a little while to get started; what with a broody vampire and his morality issues, a lovesick human who feel she would seize to exist without her vamp and a tormented teenage werewolf. In short it's what I like to call the trifecta of teenage romance creepiness. Edward Cullen looks like he managed to use all his money to find medication for his incurable disease ( he looked like he had TB in New Moon), though he grew sideburns ( bad idea). Bella discovered make-up, though a her heavy breathing carried on ( a touch disturbing). Jacob is still smouldering as ever, though he has a permanent stubble moustache going on, I am not sure what's up with that. Jasper is awesome, finally they let him speak! Though he kinda loses his southern accent in the end but he speaks and he's awesome and wickedly badass, for lack of a better word.

Okay enough of my character teasing back to the film; it's actually not that bad, Slade has managed to bring his darkness and the story's own to create something pleasantly entertaining ( I laughed a lot). The acting has improved some ( they can stand around and look tough), some of the actors have grown and they're better to watch (looking tough), others still make me want gag. The film has a richer texture than the previous ones, though anything is better than the first one. It's a fun film to watch ( I laughed a lot), the wolves still walk around with shirt off ( thank goodness for little mercies), that's reason enough to go see it and a talking Jasper is actually awesome to watch he doesn't look constipated so much, that's Eddy bit now. The movie doesn't just rely on perfectly sculpted bare torsos to keep it going, though they help a lot... What am I saying of course it does... It's all about the pretty

The worldcup more "playing" than actual play.

2010-06-21T00:14:00.004+02:00

The Fifa world cup has turned into something far more salacious than football, it has become the play ground of theatrics, aggressiveness and bad judgement. I have managed to watch almost every game of the is world cup from beginning to end, I have screamed, cheered and even bitten back the occasional expletive during a game. I have been bored to tears, thrilled to the point of explosion and had moments that I was disappointed not just that my team lost but that officials and players are alike behaved appallingly. However no game has disgusted and disappointed me as much as the Brazil vs. Côte d’Ivoire game tonight. It is understandable that the nature of football leaves room for injuries and some alpha male-esque behaviour but in this game it was just shameful. Firstly there's the excessive diving which seems to be the norm in this here world cup, and then we have the questionable officiating, I am yet to watch a game in this world cup where the referee was actually 100% fair, actually that's asking too much, 50% fair I will take. It seems these players are actually more interested in pretending to be fouled to score a free-kick or penalty than actually showing us their skills and scoring legitimate goals. Today's game, Fabanio (Brazil) handles a ball twice then scores and the ref has a cheery exchange with him and pats him on the back I believe. Then there was Keita's horrible tackle on Elano and then Kaka's cards. I mean the whole thing became 'How many fouls can I commit or fake.' One would think in this age of technology and fancy gadgetry that a video replay would be included in the referee's decisions to support the concept of fair play. Newcomers to the game must think football is sport for savages and ill mannered people who have very little respect for rules or have none. It's positively shocking to watch the beautiful game turn so ugly.

It's good to know what the game of football has been reduced to, theatrics, questionable officiating and honours for un-sportsmanlike behaviour. Kudos Fifa for not screening your referees better you done good Emperor Sepp, running that tight ship of yours.

Don't even get me started on the French team and their dramas, better than the movies that one...

Africa United: What's the Point?

2010-06-17T10:53:00.004+02:00

The 2010 world cup hosted on African soil for the first time brought with it an interesting concept a united African support system called "Africa United". The campaign launched by MTN was to get all Africans to support the six African countries that made it to the world cup, it was pretty easy enough, I mean none of the African countries were in the same groups so supporting them through the group stages was at least a given, no? Apparently not, the last few days a fair amount of debate has arisen on some social networks regarding the lack of support from Africans for some other African teams. When South African opened the world cup with Mexico Africa came behind them give or take few people who seemed to want Mexico to win. Then Nigeria battled with their arch enemy Argentina the non-supporting African mass was more notable with their tweets and Facebook updates wanting Nigeria to lose. The Ghanian Black Stars and the Cameroonian Indomitable Lions seemed to have the African support MTN was hoping for; Algeria presented mixed emotions because people felt they( Algeria) didn't classify itself as African but was quick to do so for football and when Portugal took on Côte d'Ivoire a few stragglers in terms of African support was noted again. Some amazing reasons for not supporting the Nigerian team ( I pick this team because it was more notable in the division) especially has cropped up, things like "a Nigerian shot my 2nd cousin twice removed." and "They are drug dealers" and a personal favourite "they came to our country and stole our jobs." Many of these reasons lead to the "I will never forgive Nigeria and hence never support them" rant... Wow South Africans, I am disappointed, it seems we have all conveniently forgotten about the xenophobic attacks... I love selective memory, ain't the best? Funny enough, I don't actually care if you support another team simply because you like and actually know their players, i.e Ronaldo (Portugal) Messi (Argentina) or Henry (France) that's fine but please don't give me they stole our jobs blah blah blah.

So what's the point of uniting anyway when Africa seems insistent on being divided? I will tell you why because it's nice to stand together and prove to the world that Africa is not the jealous, unruly savages the world seems to think we are. And for crying out loud it's football! Sports brings people together not drive them apart, jeepers people! So my teams for the world cup remain, Bafana Bafana (South Africa), Super Eagles (Nigeria), Black Stars (Ghana), Indomitable Lions (Cameroon), Les Elephants (Côte d'Ivoire) and Les Fennecs (Algeria). And people had the audacity to leave the Bafana game just because they were losing, bad form people very bad form. The Spanish fans stuck around even though they were losing to the Swiss and the the Aussie even though Germany took them to school. Just saying...

I have my teams such as France( I have my "I heart Thierry" banner) and Spain (Fabregas and Torres are amazing players) who I do support but when they play against one of the African teams, I support the African team because it's nice to see Africa stand together for something even if it's only for a few weeks.

No swan Song for Cameroon

2010-06-14T18:50:00.000+02:00

The Indomitable Lions, Africa's golden child of football, the top ranking Fifa African team, Africa united for them and everyone was convinced Japan was no competition for them. Think about it, with players like Eto, Song and Mbia, how could this team possibly go wrong? Erm, well Le Guen, the Cameroonian coach, who for some reason decided it was a good idea to not play Song and then play Eto in the right back. In fact a few players in the Cameroonian squad were played out of position. I don't get it, is it not best to play to a players strength? I can't even talk about this game anymore; Eto was crowded every time he got the ball Mbia tried his best but again out of position. It's too depressing to think about it, Cameroon lost to Japan, seriously? I mean seriously? What the hell kinda strategy was le Guen working with?

A Lyrical Romance with RCB

2010-05-29T23:19:00.000+02:00

I went to watch the Ryan Calder Band play at the Hexagon Dive tonight. I always like going to The Dive, it's a kinda smokey jazz area and you get a lazy feeling just sitting in there. RCB just launched their new album On The Edge with a tour earlier this year. The band a Pietermaritzburg original, finds it hard to describe their sound, but listening to them play tonight I found myself thinking there really is no need to label it. They have a sound that speaks to your soul, music that doesn't just tug at your heart strings but wraps itself around your heart and pulls you in with or without your consent. With songs like Leave It Behind, More Beautiful Tonight, Feels Like Home and the album title On The Edge, you can't help but get lost in the lyrical romance created by the music. You find yourself wondering if the band is talking to you or daring you to make a choice about your path in life. If you need something new to listen to, something so unassuming but with an overwhelming elegance that the music takes you in without effort, click on over to the band's site and get yourself a copy of On The Edge and catch them at the Royal Friday the 4th of June.

A walk through Founder's Way

2010-05-23T19:52:00.000+02:00

Yesterday late morning, early afternoon I developed a sudden urge to take a walk through campus ( UKZNP) and I took a camera with me. The campus photographs beautifully and on a Saturday when the campus has the potential to be completely empty it was too good to pass up. I, for some for reason conveniently for that it's exams time so campus was not empty... But nevertheless I took a rather reminiscent walk up and down Founder's Way and ran into some old friends...

Clean Up Your City

2010-05-15T10:59:00.001+02:00

Every 5th of June I celebrate getting older and another year on this planet. Every year on the 5th of June when I cut a cake or have champagne and I am wished a happy birthday, I realise how lucky and blessed I am. Every year I also remember in my own quiet way that the 5th of June is also World Environment Day. This year I want to remember World Environment Day in a much louder way. So I have asked all my friends and their friends and families and people I met on the street to come out for two hours and clean up their respective cities. It doesn't matter where you live, who you are or how clean your neighbourhood is, I am asking you to please for two hours help me take care of our beautiful planet. We live in a world of possibilities and potential and each of our cities have rich and amazing histories and more importantly they hold memories and special moments for us. So please just for two hours (10h00 - 12h00) help me make this 5th of June something special and worthwhile. Invite your friends to join as well. If you are unable to clean up, you can donate money to WWF details on how to donate to follow... If we can get 500 people to do this, I will donate R500 to WWF's VOTE EARTH Campaign. Join the Facebook group. Watch out for the clean up your city hashtag on twitter (#cleanupurcity)

Everyday we celebrate ourselves, today let's celebrate the environment that ensures we are celebrated.

Cities involved so far:

Pietermaritzburg, South Africa.
Cape Town, SA.
Johannesburg, SA.
Durban, SA.
Port Elizabeth, SA.
Hamburg, Germany.
Brighton, UK.
Lagos, Nigeria.
Abuja, Nigeria.
Seoul, South Korea.
Santa Barbara, USA.
Newark, USA.

Fighting for my life

2010-05-12T12:03:00.000+02:00

The last two days I have left the office rather late well late for most academics 8ish. This is will carry on till tomorrow but that’s not the issue the work must be done. The reason for this post is last night when I was leaving my office with everywhere as silent as a graveyard on my side of the campus I felt like I was in my very own version of my favourite horror flicks. You know the scenes, girl walking in a dark deserted place all by her lonesome every footstep and sound amplified by the deafening silence. Yes it was exactly like that and to add spice to my “horror scene” the lights in the corridor were doing that flicking “you’re so in danger and are going to be savagely slashed into bits” thing. I was not afraid, I have watched enough horror movies to know exactly how to escape this situation if need be, I am no fool either and I recognised the need quicken my footsteps. As I made my way out of the building I heard it, an inconsequential noise, could have been a cricket I thought so I carried on walking. Then I heard it again this time louder and closer and before I could decide what it was it lunged at me, possibly the most vicious monkey known to man. I like the graceful, coolheaded and collected person that I am, ran like a crazy person with said monkey on my shoulder clawing at my jacket trying to do me in. I eventually managed to get the beast off me with a few battle scars. So tonight when I leave the office I am not sure if I should have my pepper spray in hand or some bananas.

Nigerian Post: there's a difference between money & profit

2010-05-07T22:42:00.000+02:00

The Nigerian president died yesterday, this is old news and his death is not what this post is about, this information is just a point of reference. I went to visit my uber good friend L today he said to me I shouldn’t be receiving visitor seeing as I am in mourning for my president, I smiled and then he asked me all serious and businesslike “do you know what Nigeria’s problem is?”

That question left me stunned for a moment, everyone is always talking about Nigeria and its problem and I am not allowed to have an opinion about this because I don’t live there. But this is my blog and I do have an opinion, which I want to share here. Nigeria is a country full of potential, talent and it is the epitome resilience. Nigeria’s problem as L pointed out was too many people talking and none giving solutions. You see is all good and well to complain something but you have to provide a workable plan to fix what you are complaining about. Here is how I think of Nigeria, I think of it as being; breathing, thinking living being; it has flaws, talents and a consciousness. When a being with these qualities finds itself in a rut or a state of disarray it stands back and re-examines itself, its choices, goals, talents and then figure what works and what doesn’t. Yes I am looking at an entire nation with almost childlike logic, perhaps that’s what it needs a childlike way of thinking. All good little children have the best of intentions and work to make others as well as themselves happy. Most little children always share their toys, play nicely with others and rarely have any hidden agendas. A child amazingly has patience at least the ones I know.

When I look at Nigeria I see the arts, I have passion for Nigerian’s artistic talent, the kind of passion that is built within a raging inferno, the kind that keeps you up at night, the kind that breaks your heart a cold winter’s day. Yet I feel like I am stuck unable to move like Lagos traffic (get it?), my passion barricaded by people who are unwillingly to listen to a different point of view, people stuck in their ways. Because as L puts it as a country, Nigeria thinks money first the consequences later, you see he can have an opinion he lives there he only studies here. The thing Nigeria needs to understand is that there is a huge difference between money and profit.

Change is needed in Nigeria; it’s being calling for change for decades whether it’s going to get depends on the people not the politicians. The interim president has nine months to prove that he should be made permanent. Can one man change a nation in nine months?

*This is just my childlike opinion - I just felt like saying something, I am not an expert on Nigeria.

Maga No Need Pay - Banky W, Bez, Cobhams, MI, Modele, Omawumi, Rooftop M...

2010-05-07T18:18:00.000+02:00

The Voiceless Wonder

2010-05-04T19:43:00.000+02:00

I woke up yesterday morning to find my voice gone, it just disappeared; it gave no warning and I am not in any pain it just decided to leave. I am not exactly sure why it has behaved in this uncharacteristic manner. I love my voice and I have tried to treat it well and do all that owner care one is meant to do but it just left. Now I am not sure if it ran away because it is unhappy or if it had plans I wasn't preview to and needed to sulk out in the middle of the night to put these plans in place. Maybe it's meeting with other voices for like a voice spa week or something like that. All I know is I need it back, I need it to come home, I miss it so much and I do not think I could survive another day without it. So voice is you are reading this please come home and let's talk about whatever it is that is bothering you. Please come home, I miss you terribly.

Future Letters: The Elephant

2010-05-02T13:32:00.003+02:00

Dear Future Elle,

I know it has been a while since my last letter; I should apologise for the silence and perhaps give a reason for it. However, I don’t really have one, yes I have been busy but I am afraid busyness cannot mitigate the inherent selfishness for the lack of consistency in my writing. I sat down to write many times of course, I just never seem to get past the first line because no matter how much I tried all I wanted to do was ask the one question you cannot answer. So, I shall attempt to the fill void with boring chit-chat rather than confront the elephant that I am sure spans beyond time and space, I feel it grow every day I am afraid of its growth and I worry that if confronted, which will lead to its disappearance what will be left might not be a better replacement. So, how is the future? Is it everything I imagine? Will the elephant be waiting for me? Or is what’s there worse? I did something silly yesterday but then I caught myself and realised silliness seems to be a weekly occurrence and it didn’t bother me. I worry that I might live in my head too much, I worry that I am the only one who truly understands me and even that is a disconcerting thought because even I baffle me. The diet goes wellish (very organic), I ate a cookie or two or seven yesterday. Maybe I am watching too much Ally McBeal. Write back soon, I feel the future is too far away.

Yours,

Present Elle

Dear Present Elle,

What are you so afraid of? Life is not a sentence and death is not the end of it nor is the future the destination to a journey. Every single day is the destination not the journey because if you keep waiting for a destination to arrive you will never get there. You know the answer to the question you wish to ask me, you know why the elephant grows and when you finally confront it, you know what will take its place. I know all this because I too faced it and when I did I was you. Try not to worry that you live in your head too much because what is inward helps create what is outward. Perhaps you are watching too much Ally McBeal yes but it adds to the silliness which is good, never lose that. Remember what you wrote in the birthday message, what should be not so long ago for you, about a week ago? Think about it and what it truly means and then confront the elephant. Everything in the future is fine and yes it is far away, the future always is; it is never tomorrow it is always today. Do not worry about the future, focus on the present because it was yesterday’s future. Finish the book; you know which one I am talking about.

Always,

Future Elle

Public Holidays Begets

2010-04-26T19:09:00.000+02:00

For a few lucky people this weekend has two extra days, this time is meant to be used and one chooses. Some may use it to catch up work they have left undone in the last weeks, some may use it as a time to catch up with friends, others may choose to relax and vegetate and if you are really ambitious you may use it to do some much needed academic work if you are a part-time postgraduate student. I am doing of the above, daring I know but I have two extra days to do things that will no doubt be taking a back seat in the next couple of weeks because of work schedule and gym schedule. So I have now made schedule to rotate everything I wan to fit into these two extra days and while I was making it I realised I was just adding more things to my already never-ending to-do list and I thought to myself let's what I can do... It made me realise that public holidays put pressure on people to do something with it, either to be productive or to find your quiet time. Personally I feel time spent without achieving something be it work or exercise or study even just mentally calming yourself is time wasted. Just because it's a holiday doesn't mean you shouldn't get some much needed work done.

Now enough of my randomness, I have to find a book for batman, it's proving very difficult at the moment. :)

Love: It's easy to spell

2010-04-23T23:03:00.001+02:00

That word, the word I don't really want to repeat but might have to sometime before this post ends, it has been thrown around a lot lately.I t has been thrown around me, people and I know and some people I don't even know but had the misfortune of standing next to in queue. A lot of people think it is okay to use this word at leisure just because it is easy to spell. I understand some people have to say this word but so much? All the time? Family and friends using this word I get and I endorse but in romantic-esque situations must we throw it around like an overused towel? I do not have a problem with the word, I just feel people should give it more respect than they do. I mean just because you had conversations in your head and pictured scenarios without the other parties consent doesn't make it okay.

In other news, played squash with The Qu and trying to find a book for OB to read, must get him reading real books! Later darling bloggers and readers have a fabulous weekend and a good night.

L.O.V.E - see far too easy to spell... simplifies things too much hence the diminished importance.

A Nigerian Post...

2010-04-18T22:51:00.000+02:00

OMG! I know that's what a few Nigerians in PM'Burg are saying right now, actually their words might be something like, "Kai" "Che" or the classic "It's a lie". All which equate nicely to OMG! Why would they be saying this? The title of this post, see according to them I am not Nigerian enough, apparently to be Nigerian you have to walk around with a tattoo on your forehead proclaiming it and broadcast it when you walk down the street and oh, you dare not be critical for the darling nation. So in their opinion I am just a glorified person who just happened to have been born there, but enough of the drama, all you darling readers understand my rather intimate relationship with twitter, I am always on there and we are quite committed to one another twitter and I. Since last year, I have met a fair amount of Nigerians on Twitter, fascinating bunch of people with rich minds and an especially passionate outlook on Nigeria yet understanding the need for criticism. You see it's all good and well to say I am Nigerian, South African, Zambian and my country is perfect and can do no wrong, it's all good and well to say that but then you would be an idiot, yes I said it, an idiot. No country is perfect and for people to pretend that their countries are is to drag us deeper and deeper into the trenches of destruction (mankind is his own worse enemy). I love Nigeria and I am passionate about it in my own quiet way and when it is required I can be very loud about it. So here is some of my loudness about it, there two amazing movements that my new Nigerian twitter friends alerted me to, movements that are already breaking international boundaries. The #EnoughisEnough Campaign and The LightUpNigeria Movement. Check them out and support in whatever way you can...

We live in a masochist nation, where it is okay to accept the worst of things just because we are populous and are able to command attention by our sheer presence. Let's use that presence and demand the best.

This Day...

2010-04-16T22:31:00.001+02:00

So I wake up this morning preparing for a normal day and I get informed by my supervisor that it's not on me not wanting to come to the graduation ceremony. See I hate the things, I get bored easily so I rather not really, even though I am graduating. However, after a few minutes she convinces me that masters graduation was important and that I should go. Then begins the rush to get there and actually book a gown and hood, you the academic apparel, a few phone calls later I had that sorted.

Then I had to shower and get dressed in 10mins and rush over to the venue. I get there and all these people I haven't seen in years and it seems like no time had passed, some people were still acting like friggin princesses but who cares it's Masters graduation! So the event begins speeched we get capped and some people miss the VC and we all chuckle.

Fast forward to this evening and me and my family go out for a celebratory dinner and my dad who flew into Durban for meeting this morning rushes to meet us and will be heading back in the morning to catch his flight back to Jozi. All in all today was a good day. :)

Gym and Men

2010-04-12T19:00:00.002+02:00

Today has been right off, mostly. I woke up feeling miserable and quite honestly for the most part of the morning I felt like I was going to die. I went into work dragging my sick and possibly high (my meds are a bit funky, I feel drunk on them) ass to work because the students cannot do without me for a day. So I went to work highish and then I got annoyed my some male behaviour which led to a Facebook conversation that irked me. I had no intention of visiting the gym today because I was not well, however by time I got round to calling Ze Trainer to cancel my meds began to show their superpowers (the universe is funny that way) which was good because I needed to workout that irkness from earlier or I would be guilty of manslaughter, the frustration was already building and it needed an outlet soon. So I was thrilled when I walked into the gym and the version of the trainer greeted me was the devil, which meant he was going to push me hard, I welcomed, every pain and kick I was pleased. Then it dawned on I like gym and I like observing other people at gym, like men they are so egotiscal at gym. They have lift the biggest weights go the longest on the treadmills and bike and for reason they refuse to use their towels when they sweat (ewww). Dudes it is not a competition it’s just exercise.

Personal Trainer

2010-04-10T10:45:00.000+02:00

So I got myself a personal trainer, when I first mention this to H and Chinx they burst into laughter can't say I blame them I am not very dedicated gym-wise. When I mentioned this the Qu, she said, "Are you nuts?" the incredulity in her voice could be felt by people in a different city. I needed motivation to exercise more, I already do the healthy eating thing, so why not do the healthy living thing. It does not hurt that my trainer is gorgeous either. Our first session was alright, our session I am beginning to think he is the devil and our third session which was this morning was awesome. Yes my trainer is of a capricious nature and if we keep going hot and cold lie this I might do him in on a cold day. My arms are in so much pain and my legs feel like they need a time out. The energy is great though.

Set in Sand

2010-04-07T22:52:00.000+02:00

It is always lovely to allow yourself go, to actually be so free that you can afford to bare your heart and soul and not feel burn when disappointment hits. During my one week holiday in the mother city, I dared to be free beyond reason, I dared to write an actual person's name in the sand enclosed in a giant heart. I allowed my whimsical self to come out and play, something that hasn't happened since my undergrad years and what rush! Do you know what it's like to be happy all the time, nothing bothers you ever! You have this amazing power to move on and let things go that other people feel disturbed by it, they even fear for your mental health. I liked it and I wanted to feel that way all the time, in fact I was entranced by this feeling I had to buy clothes that expressed it all. The down side to this feeling is it's hard to get any real work done when I am off in breezy life is one long nap and a margarita here and there land.

Holiday was awesome - Proof

2010-04-06T09:57:00.000+02:00

View from Signal Hill

Seal Island - Hout Bay

JC Le Roux wine estate

Mountain - another one?

Stadium

Zee holiday was oodles of funness!!!

Smiling without Permission

2010-03-25T08:58:00.001+02:00

Today I am thankful, for every imperfection that quintessentially defines who I am. Today I am thankful that I can be possibly the most difficult person in the universe sometimes, because it is through that I am able to truly understand myself. Today I am grateful that I have a family that understands that a little craziness makes a lot of happy times. Today I am grateful that I have friends who call me out of the blue just to check that I am safe. Today I am happy because I woke up with a song in my heart and a skip in my step! Today I watched the sun swell up from the depths to colour the sky creating a blue so bright that a smile crossed my face without permission. I feel the world is smiling on me today and I hope it is smiling on you too.

Classics = Pretension

2010-03-19T23:31:00.002+02:00

Most people do not blog on a Friday night, most people are out being young or in being young but I am afraid I am not most people; whether or not this is a good thing is still being decided by the proverbial jury. This not most person, has something so say this Friday night:

I love books and usually when I mention the number of books I have read in company one of two things happen, either it intimidates them or they smile at me in patronizing way and say something like ‘it must be nice to not have much to do.’ The latter is what I take issue with amongst other things, what makes people think just because I make the time to feed my obsession to read means I have copious amounts of it waste. In effect I do not have time to waste, every minute I have is accounted for and my recreational reading is not a waste of time thank you very much. Now that I got that out of the way, here is something I am curious about, I am busy working my way through the collection of books in The Millennium Library, which is full of classics, like Shakespeare, Austen, Elliot, Wordsworth, Yeats and many more. I have read some of these but there are plenty that I haven’t, when I mentioned to someone this week that I was working my way through the collection, the first thing they said was ‘that’s pretentious,’ my immediate response was ‘the reading or the titles?’ and his response was ‘the titles, that’s pretentious reading,’ to which I said, ‘oh.’ A more clever response was required, I admit but I was too confounded to actually come up with one. However, when I think about it now, I perhaps should have asked why the classics were pretentious. In a society like ours where almost everyone believes they have a novel in them, I myself being guilty of this, is it not prudent for us to develop a firm and on-going courtship with the original word masters? The writers of old had a very unique way of weaving words together to create a tapestry of adventure and unadulterated escapism. How is it pretentious to want to follow the adventures carefully crafted in Homer’s Iliad or James’ The Princess Casamassima, where is the pretension in getting lost in the words of Thoreau, Milton, Wilde, Dante and Keats?

So I ask you dear reader, why do we shy away from the classics and favour more contemporary literature? Not to discredit contemporary literature because they too have their own quiet grace that speaks volumes.

Cops waiting for strikers

2010-03-15T08:49:00.000+02:00

There is a strike at the DUT...

The Nigerians - An MME Media writing project

2010-03-11T07:51:00.000+02:00

Are you tired of the bad press that Nigerians seem to get wherever we go? Do you want to change, influence or dispel the negative perceptions outsiders have about us? And do you want to share some of the passion you have for your country and explain its irresistible draw? And perhaps most importantly – can you write?
We are looking for just 20 brilliant Nigerian writers to take part in a ground-breaking, collaborative publishing project that will entertain, educate and influence readers globally while throwing a positive light on the country of our birth.

The Nigerians is a collection of compelling and wittily written pieces that provide insights to help unravel the complex conundrum that is Nigeria.
There is no doubt that the gods of literature have blessed Nigeria with some of the best writers in Africa and the world. From Chinua Achebe , Ngozi Chimanda Adichie, Ben Okri, Wole Soyinka to Helen Oyeyemi, Sefi Atta, Segun Afolabi, Biyi Bandele, Kole Omotose, Chris Abani . . . . . this project is waiting to happen.

We are looking for unpublished writing between 2000 and 5000 words. The pieces must be upbeat, witty, fictional accounts of a place, an event, a character or a situation that sheds light on Nigeria or its people. We are looking for a range of pieces that are uplifting, real and human, and that give a respectful picture of Nigeria from an insider’s perspective.

Are you a writer who would like to be a part of this world-first, literary legacy project for Nigeria?

There will be no contributor fees, only the chance to collaborate on this influential initiative, but the selected writers will share equally in the royalties, the copyright and the limelight.

The Nigerians will be launched in Lagos, South Africa, London and New York and will be available for sale worldwide through the internet.

If intrested please contact Nkateko here.

Undecided

2010-03-09T09:56:00.004+02:00

I got the notice for graduation yesterday. I officially get to be capped as a master of my field while I stumble and struggle my way through a PhD proposal I am convinced I am of sound mind to do. I particularly do not wish to attend the ceremony. I have become complacent to the tradition since the “not so fake” events of ’06. I spent two hours with my ball-point hovering over the return “will you be attending” slip. My pen gently grazed the ‘No’ column and yet I didn’t seem to have to will to press down and make an official imprint. My Dad is adamant that I should, but then I think about it, if I am to have another one in a couple of years why bother with this one? Undecided.

Future Letters: Are You Happy?

2010-03-04T22:52:00.002+02:00

Dear Future Elle,

Today I spent 2 hours in traffic to get to a meeting that only took half an hour. The distance should ordinarily have taken 15 minutes but today and I assume every day of the week the PTA/JHB traffic does that at that time of the morning. During the trip all I kept thinking about was how easy it would be to just find the nearest exit and turn around instead of carrying on. Then I arrived at the meeting and met some amazing people.

I want a lot of things for my life and most often when I think about you in the future and that life that I imagined and wanted; the life I hope I have. The only thing that leaves me wondering is my happiness, your happiness, because the truth be told all I want is to be happy. I know you feel you cannot tell me things about the future because they might affect the decisions I make in the present but I am curious are you happy? Am I happy? Are we happy? Is our life full?

All my best,

Present Elle

Howdy Campers

2010-03-04T10:35:00.000+02:00

So, I promised I would not disappear and there I go disappearing again! Thing is, I have an enormous amount of work to get through and everything gets pushed to the back, including blogging I am afraid to say. However my cheris I have great things in store for us! I am working on some super cool things that are a touch hush hush but I think you will love 'em. I have been good, busy but good, I have a few days off this weeks so hopefully more posts will come through. keep on keeping on cheris.

Future Letters: c'est la vie

2010-02-18T09:55:00.003+02:00

Dear Present Elle,
I am awfully sorry it took forever to get back to you; things have been a bit topsy torvy here. Yes I am extraordinarily busy something you understand with all the extra work this year. I know you are still attempting to find your footing there, don't worry you will get there sooner than you think.

As per your concerns about the ‘point of it all’ and the future and what it all holds; all I can say is I am here. Elle, I remember the original plan as do you, all you have to do look inside and there it is daring you to bring it to fruition. Academics, writing and a dream job? Sometimes you astound me darling, you are not a child anyone. What will come, will come and you shall face it head on.

There is no secret to life that I hold or does anyone else for that matter; life is the secret you must embrace with everything you have. You must look into the abyss and dare to consume you. Right now abyss is your seductress, something in it calls to you; something you want and need. What you must do is turn that around, you must become the seductress and draw it out.

Vivez avec joie ma chérie.

Yours always,
Future Elle

What's been up...

2010-02-12T08:52:00.002+02:00

Woah I have neglected this bit and I promised myself I wouldn’t this year. The long and the short of it is that I have been very busy, you know how busy I usually am, well triple that and then add some more. I am exhausted I have had a total of maybe eight hours of sleep this week and it’s not over. I have big work load this year which I don’t mind because I am actually enjoying it, also work on the various PhD proposals are on the way, knowing I will have ten million directions before I find the one that works and leads me on the right path.
Things are pretty good with and I have some exciting news that I just can’t share yet but soon I promise and I know you’ll all love it! Doing a trip with my two BFFs soon which should be great, when the three of us get together very strange things happens and it’s always an adventure assuming we don’t kill each other or sell each other for shoes (love you chicas). I have not done a Gauteng trip this year which is not on, so I shall be gracing the gritty province with my presence in two weeks time yay!

My weekend seems like it is going to be very busy and full of work, which I am not looking forward to but it must be done so I am might as well get excited about it. Hope you’re all well and have a spanking awesome Friday!
xoxo

Today should have...

2010-02-04T13:20:00.001+02:00

Today should have begun with me dripping with excitement to go to work because there are amazing students waiting for me to educate them. Today should have begun with me getting a call from the National Research Foundation letting me know they will found my Doctoral study. Today should have begun with sleep deprived but excited because I have completed a stellar research proposal and could barely contain my enthusiasm to begin the actual research. Today should have begun with a call from Nollywood, informing me that a production company is interested in being of my social experiment. Today should have begun with an email from a publishing telling me they want to buy my book. Today should have begun with a familiar face always asked me how my day was and remembered to tell me to have a good day. Today should have brought her back to my life just for a moment. Today should have tried to give me hope that lasted more than three seconds. Today should let me take it back, they way it ought to be...

Future letters: What's the secret?

2010-02-02T12:48:00.001+02:00

Dear Future Elle,
Thanks for the letter, it was really great to here from you, you sound super busy but happy which I guess is the main point of life; happiness.
Future Elle, I must ask your advise, I know you cannot tell me much about the future but I just need to chat to someone about this, you know someone who has been through it and will understand. See, I want the PhD thing and according to you I do get and though it’s hard it is doable; however, my issue of dichotomy if we must is that am I really cut out for academics and does this writing thing go anywhere? If am to describe my dream job or my perfect life I can’t seem to place it in one linear structure. One idea bleeds into the next and then moves to a completely new era that I didn’t factor into the original plan. Do you remember the original plan and how excited it made us? I want it all but I have no idea if all of it is entirely possible or even feasible in the literal sense. What’s the secret? Please tell it to me.

Yours,
Present Elle.

“Ode” to a Broken Friendship

2010-01-28T08:51:00.002+02:00

Shattered glass…
…That’s what it feels like.

Perfectly still, unfailing in love and support.
Where is your love now?
Where did your support go?

Boisterous and full of joy
Your spark is deadened
Who took it away?

Quiet grace and honesty
Now you dance in secret
Why do you play with the darkness?

A statuesque petal, unbreakable
Now you’re bruised.
How do I fix it?

Shattered glass…
…That’s what it feels like.
Unfixable.

The Simon Cowell of Academics

2010-01-27T12:04:00.000+02:00

Work is a tricky thing, people who have it more often hate it and wish they didn't and people who don't have it wish they had it. It's like being busy and begging for a holiday and getting a holiday and begging for something to do. I am the opposite of all these people, I love being busy I feel like I am contributing something to some big design albeit I don't know what that big design is but I am contributing something to it. As for the work thing I believe I would be slightly dissatisfied with any job until I get the one I want but I don't mind it or at least I never used to. The last few days have been interesting work wise, I have felt like I didn't belong here (at work), maybe I was just being a ninny. I had to say no to a lot of young hopefuls, I felt like the Simon Cowell of Academics. Imagine sitting there and telling a bright faced 18yr old that they haven't been accepted into a programme they really wanted to get into. Then watching as that bright face becomes dark and the water works follows. Now imagine doing that 50 times. Top all that off with so much work and a crazy looking timetable that make you feel like the angry kitty...

How are you all?

Letters to & from the Future

2010-01-19T11:22:00.003+02:00

Dear Future Elle,
How are things in the future? I sure hope they are great and that you are doing well. I am having a bit of a bad day so I thought I send you this letter just to check that I will not be having days like this forever. Things are good here in the present, I don’t see much of past Elle anymore she’s moved on to other things and I am happy for her I just wish she would come visit sometimes. I am keen to visit you but the trip is a killer I shan’t be able to get to you for a while. What’s your life like? Who is in it and who has left it? Are you still tweeting and blogging and trying to do all those things past Elle and I are into? It must be nice to be a Dr. Elle now, if you’re in a restaurant and someone is choking and they say is there a doctor in the house you can say yes, except you’re more a doctor on paper. Hahaha…
Did the research go well? Was the experiment successful? I should hope so you being a doctor and all. I chatted to you know who on gtalk yesterday for hours, do you still talk to him? How is that going? How’s future DJ and Qu doing? Are you guys using flying cars yet? Did the whole planet have to move to a new planet because Earth died? Well write back.

Yours,
Present Elle.

Dear Present Elle,
Technically you’re past Elle to me but let’s not get touchy about that. I am doing very well; things are wonderful here in the future. Future DJ says hi, she’s rather busy conquering the world of fashion these days. Future Qu has a big case so she's very busy. I only have a moment myself to write you back, I remember the day you’re having and it was not a particularly good one. I am sorry about the toothache and all the student drama but don’t worry it’ll get sorted out soon enough. The research went brilliantly however it will require an inconceivable amount of hard work, one that even you might find too much to handle but hang in there. I can’t really tell you much about the future but you will love it when you get here. Flying cars? That’s so last season we’ve moved on to lighter ways to travel. As for your question about you know who, well let’s just say your assumptions were dead on after your first conversation. He says hi too and can’t wait till you get here. Miss you lots but I must dash, I have an appointment with some people ;).

Yours always,
Future Elle.

Environmental Hatred

2010-01-12T09:59:00.001+02:00

I recently watched a documentary called Poison Fire produced by Lars Johansson in conjunction with Friends of the Earth International and communities affected by gas flaring in Nigeria’s Niger Delta. Poison Fire documents Ifie’s (a local artist, feminist and environmental activist who works to promote dialog between the communities, the oil industry, and the federal government) journey across three communities in the Niger Delta in 2005 and 2006 her trip to The Hague, where she attends Shell's Annual General Meeting. I might be a year and half late in watching this documentary hence this post is also late but like I rather be late than never.

The doccie is fantastic and highlights Shell's appalling behaviour in the last fifty years of oil drilling in Nigeria. I don’t know if I have ever expressed my “greenness” on here before but because of who my father is and also the fact that my birthday is on world environment day I am a hopeful environmentalist. I support all plights for a more environmentally friendly population.

Shell was been ordered by the Nigerian court to stop gas flaring (2005) and be kinder to the environment. As of 2009 they still hadn’t, they only hoped to phase it out by the end of 2009. The whole thing makes me sooo angry! How can a company be so greedy just because they want to save few millions at what cost? No wonder nature is lashing out at us, we started it.

Check out the Poison Fire website.

Back at Work

2010-01-11T11:57:00.000+02:00

So I got back to work today, which as you all know I was very excited about! I am still excitedish I mean I love that sense of purpose that a job you physically go to gives you. Though most people will say I shouldn't be super excited about work considering I have so much of it, but call me crazy and you maybe based on my tweets I am excited for that stress I want that "I feel like I am going to die" stress. There is some about that stress that makes me feel alive and this year I am ready to become a hermit, buried in work just so I can get that feeling back. I am so excited. Happy back to work day y'all

Dreaming in Techincolour

2010-01-06T10:25:00.000+02:00

So if you are a regular here, then you know that I am prone to some rather strange dreams. The last few days have involved rabid rabbits ( try say that ten times faster) and ordinarily I wouldn't worry about such dreams because let's face I have seen the apocalypse in my dreams several times to become almost complacent about it. I have relived moments from horror movies , good and bad. So why should a couple genetically altered looking rabbits scare me? Easy because every time I wake up I feel like someone is watching me in the room with me, I know crazy but it's true. And last there were four of them I am they were in colour, I haven't dreamt in colour in I don't know how long, I am quite happy with classic look my dreams and nightmares have in black and white but last night I was so overwhelmed with the colours, so sharp and so bright I think that frightened me more than the dream. I chatted to psychologist about all this and he thinks that perhaps there's a goal in my life that there are obstructions to and the rabbits are that obstruction. Why couldn't I get nice fluffy bunnies as distractions seriously! Anyhoo I have some research to do, that PhD goal that I must get to my next week! Have a rocking day y'all.

Back to It

2010-01-04T10:28:00.000+02:00

Today most people are back at work and some are not very happy about it. I don't have to be back at work for another week but I do have work to do. I am not be resolutions but I do have things I intend to achieve this year and I feel the best way to do that is to sit myself down and say "let's get to it." So that's what I am doing, I am dedicating 70% of mine day to work, my writing projects and my PhD. This is the only I will get anything done by making things urgent priorities.

Those formalities out of the way! I had the strangest dream last night I was being chased by a rabid bunny what do you think that means?

Hello 2010

2010-01-01T16:12:00.001+02:00

Dear 2010, I am Elle and together we are going to do great things.

Now that that’s out of the way let me wish all a super duper happy new year. 2010 is looking rather good and I must confess I like it a lot. I ushered in the New Year with my family with strawberry champagne and a joyful heart. I am not big on resolution mostly because I do not trust myself to keep them but I do believe in purpose. I have just one purpose for this year and that is to be better and do better. I want to be better at everything I do no matter what they are. Whatever your plans are for this fantastic year I hope that being better is part of it.

So here is to a year filled with joy, blessing and love.

xoxo

So Long and thanks for all the fish

2009-12-28T13:17:00.000+02:00

I guess this is as good a time as any to round off the year with one final blog post. There is a god chance I won’t blog again till next year.

So what was great about this year.... hmmm....hmmm ___________________long awkward silence__________ oh oh... I got it, I finished my masters that's good news depending on who you ask as it gave birth to the beginning of the PhD. I discovered some interesting music, Banky W a Nigerian artist that's pretty cool and Taylor Swift has nice stuff. What was bad about this year? How about almost everything? I suffered a great loss which I am not truly recovered from. I am so over this year it's not even funny.

So here is to 2010 pop into SA for the world cup.
Goodbye 2009 and thanks for all the fish, its been realish.
xoxo

2012 - It's All Over

2009-12-24T21:11:00.001+02:00

We saw 2012 today, call me crazy but I actually like "the world is gonna end" movies. Independence Day rocked my world as the did The Day After Tomorrow or maybe it's just this guy Roland Emmerich. The Adrenalin induced by the race against time before total annihilation is a juice I could run on.

2012 begins with basics, problem identified in 2010 - the end of the world- and steps are taken to work around problem fast forward two years. Enter Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), the author/limo driver and divorced absentee father of two, I know predictable but what can you do. The story presents us with a series of characters we are meant to care about at the centre, Curtis, his kids, his ex-wife and her new boyfriend the pilot who isn't really a pilot. This is not one of those hide in bunker or find the highest point type end of the world movie, you best is the air or if you're lucky the super secret Noah's Arksy ships the government and by government I mean all of the western world, yes the 3rd was excluded no one in Africa was invited.

The movie follows the journey of the Curtis family as the race to bum a ride on the ships where a seat sells for 1 billion Euros. So no save the population two by two, it's survival of the richest. Other characters that draw our attention are the geologist who discovered it or at least he helped, Dr. Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and Thandie Newton as the first daughter. The first half of the movie provides a rather Independence Day feel while the second half brings back memories of the fall of Manhattan in The Day After Tomorrow.

As a dooms day movie, it's well paced and fantastically well balanced in terms of destruction and human frailty. Woody Harrelson is fantastic as the crazy man who lives in the middle of nowhere but was right about the whole thing. Cusack succeed as the zero who becomes a hero to many especially his son, Ejiofor is smouldering as the man who remembers fundamental point of humanity compassion. It is an enjoyable movie and I recommend it to anyone who doesn't mind watch the world crumble, in the end Africa survives leaving the Drakensberg Mountains the highest point in the world.

Oh by the way all this is actually based on a real life prophecy... There is National Geographic documentary.

A Christmas Wish

2009-12-22T12:58:00.000+02:00

So it's three days till christmas, yes I am excited I am huge fan of this holiday, well recently I have become. it's nice Christmas, it's the season for giving, loving, laughing and all sorts of things. I enjoy shopping for people, the anticaption of their reactions come christmas morning. It's a nice time and I am happy to be spending it with my family. My onw Christmas wish for all you is that you all have a happy and blessed day with you loved ones. And I hope you all get want you come Christmas morning.

Merry Christmas,
xoxo

Sorority Row: What’s with the slow motion?

2009-12-10T09:22:00.000+02:00

The choice to watch Sorority Row is an obvious one; D and I are huge fans of the horror/thriller/slasher genre. There is something thrilling about allowing filmamkers to give their best shot at making you jump or doubt the safety of your surroundings for a moment. Yes there is a thrill in following a killer’s journey and watch it all make sense in the end, even when it doesn’t, a movie that provides a good scare leaves you with a sense of something.

Sorority Row provided neither. The story began with promise though naked girls and sexually charged college students really are overdone. A girl dies accidentally and surprise surprise everyone involved decides to cover it up. Fast forward eight months later and graduation day, the not so recent past decides to haunt everyone involved through text message. Like most horrors the order of deaths is fairly accurate, the perverted therapist dies first because he is collateral damage, followed by the sexually adventurous sorority sister and then some random girl in a shower (seriously?). The tagline for this movie should be ‘cover up a crime and there is bound to be collateral damage’.

It is a promising story with a prank gone wrong and somewhat believable characters, like the guilt ridden heroine who just wants to escape the memories of the horrible thing that happened. The brainiac who is unable to make her own decisions because her scholarship and supposed “sisters” are worth more than the truth. The leader of the pack who thinks she is so badass and is willing to let anyone go down as long as she gets her way. Character-wise the highlight for the movie is Carrie Fisher as the house mother with a shot gun, she elicits a chuckle.

The twist in the story is not very satisfying and the killer lacked any real motivation, in fact being psychotic maniac wasn’t a good excuse for him in this movie. Sorority Row is a remake, though I have not seen the original, I found this version to be lacking in any true horror/thriller/slasher ingenuity. The half naked girl at every corner is a little tiresome; the characters promiscuities screams kill me now. The deaths lacked in any real creativity, granted a pimped out tire iron as the killer’s weapon of choice is kinda cool but the deaths themselves lacked fright inducing suspense. I was not frightened at all just disgusted and mostly repulsed. The story had so much potential and the red herring could have been so much more interesting and believable. Wait for the DVD.

New Moon: Sorta Beautiful

2009-12-04T22:46:00.006+02:00

My anticipation for the release of New Moon was never as hyper as most would have expected. Yes I was interested and somewhat eager but I wasn’t to be found camped out at the cinema the night before neither was I to be seen at the cinema on opening weekend. I watched the first Twilight movie and in short I wasn’t quite sure if I should laugh or be disappointed, there was a fair amount of ridiculousness and quite honestly I still think Stephenie Meyer should sue.

New moon began just as the book; Bella draws us into her world with her unhealthy yet enigmatic obsession with the brooding vegan vampire Edward Cullen. Readers of the book know exactly what happens next but for cinematic experience Edward’s decision leave his lady fair comes as a shock and somewhat disappointment as to where the story is headed now. Enter Jacob Black the kid that became the delectable hunk all the girls want to take home with them. Eye candy isn’t merely enough for this movie to ride on though most will disagree after they watch Jacob walk around shirtless. As far as the story goes I still find the themes and characters somewhat questionable. Bella’s deep sense of loss when Edward leaves is somewhat frightening and could encourage bad relationship choices for teenagers who love the series. There is also an inherent sense of dependency where Bella is concerned something she is unable to see herself, she is unable exist without Edward and it takes Jacob to save her and she nearly falls apart when he seems to disappear too.

The introduction of the wolf pack is visually pleasing and a clever way for director Chris Weitz to get the audience to like characters that the story isn’t fair to as they are biased to the vampire community shaped by Bella’s point of view. Chris Weitz has managed to make a dark tale of loss and hopelessness visually seductive and its characters loveable and enchanting. The time spent with Jacob and his wolf brothers is so delightful that Edward is barely missed, though Weitz has cleverly kept him in the story as visual delusions rather than just a voice in Bella’s head.

Filmicly the story is beautifully translated to screen and so close to the book that fans have very little to nothing to complain about. There are clever dialogues that elicits a chuckle from the audience, moments that make hearts melt. Highlights from the movie are definitely the fights, Jacob and Paul’s wolf fight ( though the wolves look like giant cuddly toys hardly menacing); and Edward and Felix’s tumble in Volterra a sequence so well choreographed it was perfectly executed dance of blurring colours.

The movie is well-paced, however by the time we arrive back in Forks from Italy you wonder if the end is near. It is not the best it can be, some of the actors could use acting classes and Robert Pattinson’s tortured expression does get a touch tiring but it is sorta beautiful, though I wish Edward would refrain from taking his shirt off, leave that to Jacob Black.

Girls go watch it because the minute Taylor Launter takes of his shirt it's worth it, guys erm... there is a bitchin' car racey type sequence.

Meet Me Half Way

2009-12-03T09:30:00.000+02:00

I woke up this morning feeling uttlerly wretched. I felt like something was missing something was wrong, I have had this feeling before but usually a good cup of tea and I snap out of it. I haven't snapped yet. I spent 40 seconds on the phone last night attempting to pull a "Jonas", I found that I couldn't. I had to just face the music this morning instead. I find myself listening to the New Moon soundtrack, it brings me some sort of comfort right now, I know it's odd I bought the CD before the movie came out. I heard one song Possiblity by Lykke Li and it won me over. There is far too much drama in the world and for some reason it seems to always find me no matter how far I try to stay away from it. I feel like I am pushed into a corner and there is no escape I begging for some good news and it has decided to to be a whisper in the wind and the harder I try to get at it the softer and inaudible it becomes. Maybe I am just paranoid maybe it's all in my head all I know is that I just want to cry but I can't seem to. Maybe this whole thing could try a compromise.

The Bad Thing That Happened

2009-12-01T17:43:00.001+02:00

I began today by deciding that I was going to have a good day no matter what. The minute I made that decision things seemed to get better. However the bad thing that happened five months ago has haunted my every thought today.

When something bad happens society’s kneejerk reaction is to tell you that it’s going to be okay and that you will be fine. What a load of crock I say, what gives society the right to tell me it’s going to be okay? My life has profoundly changed forever and you tell me it’s going to be okay, that I will be fine. Then I thought about it, of course they tell me it’s going to be okay because if they had to tell me the truth it might break me even more. What should they say? That I am doomed to spend my earthbound days in pain and misery? Of course not.

Ever since the bad thing happened I have been still inside, afraid to do anything. I do not want talk about the bad thing so I present a false sense of optimism and enthusiasm. Since the bad thing happened I have expected nothing from the world and my rouse seem to work well. Though on some days the bad thing trenches at me and forces me the recluse deep within, when I fight back it comes off attention seeking and superficial. I overheard a friend talking about me once and my recluseness and how it was all a guise. I should have confronted her but it took too much energy to focus on it. Since the bad thing happened I have tried to be the picture of joy when the sun is up and I am around people, but once the sun goes down it’s just me, a fearful stillness kicks in. I am now afraid of the dark I have to sleep with the lights on; I have had maybe one decent night’s sleep in five months. Every morning before I allow the sun to engulf me with its scorching gaze I close my eyes hoping the bad thing didn't happen.

I heard or read somewhere once that friends tell you they will be there for you when bad things happen but they never really are. Something about “how many of your friends send you a long email or give you a call just to let you they love you or go out of their way to give you hug?” I thought about that a lot today, and then it hit me – they’ve moved on. You see the bad thing happened to me not them. The world moves on the very next day, the world doesn’t care. I am sure my friends care. I don’t like to really talk about the bad thing that happened because I think if I unleash out there it will tear apart. For five months I searched for and faked normalcy, the words, fine, okay and alright has become the norm and I don’t even believe them.

Maybe I am not fine or okay, maybe normal will never come but they’ve moved on maybe I should try turning out the lights tonight.

More Vampires

2009-11-29T23:57:00.001+02:00

So it seems there is a vampire at every corner these days, and it's not just your average vampire it's your typical teenage let's fall in love with the human girl vampire. When the Twilight Saga sauntered into my life couple of months ago it brought with an obsession that has me ashamed of myself. Yes you readers know about my Edward Diaries and my open love affair with 17year old apparent hottie. So when I put down Breaking Dawn and the withdrawal set in, I discovered another vampire series that was written waaay before Edward and Bella knew that it was okay to jump around in trees saying ridiculous things like "spider-monkey". I discovered the Vampire Diaries, and equally addictive tale about vampires or in this one vampire who wants to be normal and his brother who doesn't. There is a girl involved and she has friends and an ex who is actually too good to be true. It is a really nice story and more mature than Twilight no offence to them twihards. I have read five out of the total seven books, the last are yet to be released. After reading Nightfall, the latest in the Vamp Diaries series, which jumps in terms of time - I found out thanks to our friends at E! that there's a television series adapting the books. So I waited.

While waiting I discovered the Sookie Stackhouse books (Southern Vampire Mysteries) which True Blood is based on all the vampires are coming to screen. Again another small town vampire in love with a human girl, expect with Sookie her story is a bit more adult if you've seen True Blood you know what I mean.

Today I began watching the Vampire Diaries after a long and impatient wait, Stefan did not disappoint, Paul Wesley is a hottie and half a worthy Stefan Salvatore. I wouldn't mind procreating with him, truly I would not. The series doesn’t have the same pull as the books do but seriously what adaptation does anyway? Twilight was atrocious as a movie once you got past Rob/Edward swoon and actually watched the movie. What was interesting with Vampire Dairies was that Damon the "I am a badass vampire and I am going to kill you" reads Twilight in the like the 4th episode and talks about how it's fictitious and Edward is whipped. What fun vampire intertextuality is.

16 Days of Activism

2009-11-27T20:55:00.000+02:00

Make a difference and take these sixteen days seriously. Read this amazing story by SheBee

Lazy Day

2009-11-26T19:25:00.001+02:00

I woke this morning to the tiny voice of the baby that informs me when I have a text message. It was my Dad informing that he has purchased me a dress from some shop in Houston. Great another dress, well actually the one he bought me from the UK is not bad, in fact every time I wear I am a little more popular than usual. However the Ethiopian frock though beautiful, isn't really something I want a repeat of. I do love it though, it was isn't a complete me that's all. Anyhoo back to the laziness of today, C is home for the weekend so I took her to lunch at the Bean Scene and then we proceeded to spend the rest of the day getting lost the these days few pleasures of the S centre. We rented a few DVDs bought some and had a all round fun day... However now this phrase is stuck in my head:

"on fait tourner autour de ma tête à droite quand vous descendez"

Hope y'all had a good day...

Letter from A Student

2009-11-25T08:53:00.002+02:00

Dear Miss.

Good day, I hope that all is WELL!!!! You are about to mark my paper, please be kind to me because I have been going through somethings and did not have time to study. My boyfriend broke up with me because he met another girl which is causing me terrible pain so I didn't study too well. I know you are kind Miss and you are a woman too so you understand what I am going through. Also if you are angry please take sometime out to calm down and mark my paper later. If it is ok with can I come and talk to you after the paper? I need someone to talk to.

Thank you.

*This is should perhaps bother me that a student is blatantly telling me that they have not studied for an exam I assured them would be hard. Instead I am just assumed by it all. By the way this was in beginning of their answer sheet. So before they started writing this letter was written.

Funny

2009-11-23T22:06:00.000+02:00

The Weekend that was

2009-11-23T09:03:00.001+02:00

My weekend began awesomely as was expected. Aunt C and I spent Friday afternoon sneaky about with the finishing touches of D's (my bff) surprise unbirthday party. The evening was a blast, D was truly surprised, so yay for secret keeping abilities!!! Old friends were there and at one point it felt like a Nux reunion, we partied like it was 1999, though truth be told I am not sure what that means, but my feet were still hurting on Sunday because of all the hectic high heeled dancing! The party eventually came to a close at about 1:30am, at which point the Q decided to use the left over balloons and the ribbons and an aliceband. Thoughts of running away with some D's presents skipped through our minds but we thought better of it (hahaha sorry hon, but it was wrapped so enticingly, it wanted us to take it). I would share some pictures with you guys but I made the silly mistake of allowing E to be in charge of the camera and needless to say the pictures are horrid. We are hoping J has some good pictures. And that was Friday!

Saturday began also quite nicely, I had breakfast with D, T and E and we all reminisced on old times and the night that was. I had a slight misunderstanding with some peppercorns and a pool of tomato sauce. After breakfast I thought I catch up on my sleep but that just wasn’t in the cards, spent four hours chatting with uncle U about random academic stuff and how excited I am about doing a PHD (what a little freak I am!). Then I decided to do a bit of walksy down checkers way to get some airtime, yeah? Well bad idea, I almost got mugged ( robbed) at knife point which pissed me off royally, it took the cops three hours to come after I called them which was uber fun because if I was being attacked in my home I could have been filleted before they made it, good to know.

Sunday was a lazy day, I kept drifting in and out of consciousness, I am not going to lie, I was not keen to leave the house the whole day because of the events of Saturday and it brought up memories and nightmares of actually being mugged about five/four years ago at gun point when I was in second year. Needless to say I am getting a taser and a pepper gun, it's on!

So that was my weekend, how was yours?

Can I get a whoop whoop

2009-11-20T09:38:00.000+02:00

It's Friday y'all!! Can I get a whoop whoop?? So this week has just kinda ran by faster than the roadrunner which is goood! I am super excited to watch this week come an end, it's not that it was bad week, in fact I was determined to have a the best week ever no matter what!! Sometimes it was difficult because work made thing a little harder than needed but like a true fighter ( I like to think so) I solider on! I have made some amazing connections this week which I am so glad to be taking into the future with me, I also have a super special surprise for you guys but I can really say much about it until I have the okay and final details and such but ooooooh uuuueeeey I am excited!

So it is the weekend, which means MY BROTHER IS HERE!!! Can you tell I am happy about this?? I have not seen him in like two or so months! He rocks like rocking rock slide he does. Today will be busy because I have all the last minute supp exam things to sort out but I am so happy I don't even care that my office will be entertaining students till 4! So I hope y'all have a gloriously blessed day!!!

Not just another love affair

2009-11-19T09:28:00.003+02:00

I love poetry anyone that knows me know this, in fact anyone that knows me is kinda irritated by this. They much rather my love affair with poetry remain a dirty little secret like most affairs. It's not that they are non-poetic or rather poetry interested beings. I am just so desperately in love and obsessed with poetry that I can become exhausting for normal people to deal with, actually I can become exhausting for anyone to deal with.

About a year ago, the words disappeared and my lover, poetry abandoned me. I don't understand why this happened but from what I can gather, I perhaps became too confident in the relationship and the words were fickle so they left. I know it’s odd to speak about it that way, but I truly feel like it was this other entity not just an art form but something real in every way that counts. I can never truly call myself a poet, or perhaps I shouldn't because the words come to me when they want to and all I have to do is write them down. In effect I am actually just a scribe repeating what has been whispered to me in dreams and quiet moments. When the words left, I tried to find them, force them to come back but like all things of mystery they left me desolate and disappointed. However, a few days ago, thanks to this lady, I discovered The Poetry Project and to my most pleasant surprise, the words came back. They drifted back into my life like they had never left and like old lovers our courtship began again with ease and I am as happy as can be. So I leave you with some words from Letters to a Young Poet:

Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.

So you know

2009-11-18T09:14:00.000+02:00

I recently received some emails from readers who thought that I might be considering taking a walk on a ledge or the edge of a cliff or something like that because of my "Please come back to me" post. I just want to reassure all of you that I am not in anyway depressed and I could never be sad enough to do anything like that, I am far too much of a coward actually not to mention it goes against the person I am and it would a really selfish thing for me to do. So rest easy because the funny thing is I am actually having one of the best weeks ever! I am unapologetically happy and so so in love with life it ought to be illegal! So hope y'all have a great and super fantastically blessed day and rest of week!

Believe

2009-11-17T09:57:00.000+02:00

The sorrow consumes me
I give myself willingly to it
I have no strength to fight
It has all the power now.

They say I should fight it,
The voices in my head
They tell me it will be okay
But they can’t feel it,
They don’t understand the hurt.

I stand in the rain, hoping it
Will wash away the pain
But all it does is intensify it.
It’s getting stronger.

I am weak, numb and cold.
It is dark here, I can’t feel or
See anything.
The voice are so faint, they can’t
Help me anymore more.

It’s over, my last hope is gone.
Then I hear it,
“Take my hand,” He says.
I am not strong enough.
“Trust me,” His voice echoes all around.
I am too weak.
“Just believe,”
I see the light, I feel warmth.
I give myself to Him.

Dearest #1

2009-11-16T08:14:00.003+02:00

Dearest,

Please come back to me...
I dreamt of you again last night, the dream where you hold my hand. We sat together in what looked like a meadow. I tried to stay as long as she would let me but soon I was awake. I blocked out the light, shut my eyes tight so I could find you again. I stood in the distance watching you dance at the edge of my subconscious, you called to me. I reached for you but the farther I stretched the quicker you disappeared. Every time I see a picture of you, I feel a fresh stab of pain and the emptiness grows stronger. I am hollow Dearest, I am falling into the abyss and you are not there to catch me. I can barely breathe sometimes. I search for you in the faces of others, in every corner I hope to find you, with every car that hoots I hope against all hope that it is you waiting for me. Dearest please come back to me.
The dreams are getting shorter and fading almost instantly, like the pages of a worn out book every time I turn there is less to see and then eventually there's nothing left.
Dearest come to me, wait for me on the edge. I am standing still with my eyes closed, come to me. I need you Dearest, please come back to me. My heart holds you in every beat and with each breath I crumble without you. In every tear drop there you are.
Dearest come back to me.

Yours always,

The holy man guru

2009-11-11T10:33:00.002+02:00

I just started listening to Wayne Jacobsen from Life Stream Ministries; G introduced us to it at cell last night. I have only listened to about three hours or so of it there's about eight, there are a few things that Wayne touches on that really stand out to me. One of them I think I discussed a few years in the religious post, which kind spiraled. In the second hour of the discussions Wayne talks about how religion belittles Thomas by referring to him as doubting Thomas, because he asked difficult questions. Religious people don't like people asking questions he says, which is something that has always bothered me because why pretend you get when you don't. Yes we get love your enemy don't be vengeful and all that jazz but has anyone asked the crucial question how can I love someone who hates me or worse might want to do very bad things to me? What is really wrong with asking questions about things that just don't make sense to you?

What actually really struck me the most was our perception of God and how we view him as the two very different people. The loving father and vengeful punisher, an idea that lets us exist in this schizophrenic relationship where we are always afraid of being struck down by lighten when we don't behave accordingly. Our warped view of God then has us seeing Jesus as our friend and God as someone to fear and always cower at the very mention. We live a constructed society where we try to use religion to get closer to God but the effort in itself detracts us from a genuine relationship with God. It's not only the people that pray in Jesus are heard anyone who calls out to God is heard.

I am really enjoying listening to the discussions it's just such a fresh perceptive that allows simplicity and doesn't create complication about faith.

People, people people

2009-11-10T11:21:00.000+02:00

Nothing really worked the way it ought to and I should know this true, however knowing this doesn't really make much of a difference when it comes down you and that moment. I love people I think they are great but for the googling love of rice cakes why this frogging earth do they love to disappoint? Can someone answer that question for me? Seriously how hard is it to reply text or to make 30 seconds phone call? I am rambling I know, let's just say the last 16 hours has not been very kind to me. Even though the weather has changed, it lovely coldish weather brought with it the rain I have not compatible shoes, which I discover after raiding my shoe collections, which is annoying. I also spent all of my morning waiting for Courier people to arrive who still haven't arrived which is putting stopper in my day. The friggin' it pissing me off which probably the biggest source of my annoyance but whatever!

Now that that little rant is over... I have officially leather bound my Masters thesis so yay for me.. here it is. I feel all accomplished and stuff.

Hope you'all are having a better day than me.

My Weekend

2009-11-09T07:55:00.001+02:00

Based on my previous post you can tell I was very excited about the prospects of the weekend. Who wouldn't be, no? Time to chill and take a load off, veg on the couch get some work done catch up on TV shows you've missed, you know the little things. The weekend is a great time for a great many things, just not a heat wave.

FRIDAY - It was fairly decent, I got to sleep in as I didn't need to be at work, though sleeping in meant I was up by 7 instead of 6, the heat is not conducive to sleeping in. I braved wearing the mini dress simply because I felt I would combust if I had anymore clothing on me. It was a pretty relaxed day, I spent a good part of it with Yoko, we went the mall, I did some DVD shopping and some book browsing. We had coffee and giant cheese cakes at the Olive Tree, a fabulous little coffee shop, we talked and laughed. Later I visited C at school with a Micky Ds goodie bag, which is to be her last, from now on it healthy stuff. Friday aside from the heat proved a success, I even talked to D on the phone for a bit and I made chicken á la king.

SATURDAY - The heat woke me up, which was not on. H was still sleeping when I woke up but surely the heat got her too. I made crumpets for H, L and myself, which was so much fun, I love making crumpets so much better than pancakes. L and I spent most of the morning watching some random Nollywood movie that got on my nerves, the heat didn't help. We all went to L's party in the evening after I made peanut butter cookies [it seems cookies are the currency of myself and these lovely chicas lately ;)]. The party was fine, I just ran into some people I rather not be in the same company with but it was much fun, and so concluded Saturday.

SUNDAY - The heat woke me up again. I spent most of the day in PJs because they were much easier to deal with, I made more cookies and spent a good deal of time looking up recipes on the Internet ( am i turning into Martha Stewart?)... H eventually asked me if anything was wrong because I am baking so much and Yoko dubbed me a domestic goddess, I am not sure how Nigella would feel about that. I did tons of laundry, which was long overdue I was beginning to run out of clean clothes. The "Pavlove" was around and that was interesting as always, my Dad left for our three country trip last night that obviously I am not on, which kinda makes the word "our" not workable. All in all Sunday was a dreaded day because the heat and I just don’t mix.

And today is hot again! How was your weekend?

It's Thursday baby!

2009-11-05T10:10:00.000+02:00

I began this week when I opened my eyes what seemed like a few minutes ago and dreaded the Monday blues and now I am fully awake and it's Thursday and hopefully in another blink of an eye it shall be Friday! You can tell that I am very excited at the speed with which this week has taken off! It has been succesfullish, I have managed to complete a project and I am busy sorting out supplementary timetables which one of my courses was annoyingly omitted from. Yes, because I have the time to run around chasing a paper trail that gets cold every third person. Aside from that minor mishap the last four days have been fantastic! true story.

Yesterday, the "it", I haven't really told you about the "it" have I? - I work (sort of ) with the "it" who is sometimes the bane of my existence but on other days can make it all kinda bearable! Like telling me I can like look good in a skinny jean pant (whatever!)! and stuff like that. Any-crackers, the "it" came to see me in my office yesterday and brought with "itness" fun conversation and white chocolate. ( Dear "It" what are you playing at?) dealing with the "it" could require some covert experience and maybe a professional or two.

Back to the greatness of Thursday, I am having dinner with Serg, D and hopefully the Q and I think I shall give T a call to see if he is keen. It will be so much fun for all us ex-Nuxites to get together again and have a crunking time! Oh did I mention it's Thursday baby! one more day and it's le weekend!

Whities - white chocolate brownies

2009-11-04T10:09:00.003+02:00

Invictus

2009-11-03T09:08:00.002+02:00

Baking fever

2009-11-03T08:34:00.002+02:00

So these two chicas decided to make dino cookies and tweet the pics which got me all cookie crazy so I decided to make my very own cookies ( not dino) with the same recipe, which this chica was kind enough to blog. They taste great! However now I want to make white chocolate brownies as well.

Hello November

2009-11-02T12:22:00.000+02:00

So it is November, you know what that means? Christmas!!! Yes capitalism dictates that you have only ~~one month~~ 28 odd days to get your shopping sorted. Was it last year or two years ago that we witnessed the coke crisis? So people are already stocking up on their gassy refreshments for the festive season. Not to mention the greasy goodies and deep fried chocolatey ones that will have you back at the gym as soon the festives are over. In fact if you've only just started your holiday season shopping you are in fact lagging behind. Presents have already been wrapped by some and lists have already been posted on all platforms available.

However, I am happy it's November for a completely different reason, November means 60 odd days till this horror of a year comes to an end. I am quite ready to bid my goodbyes to '09 because lets face it hasn't been very kind. November also brings with it plenty of deadlines for the end of year rush and tiding up, which means it shall be super busy and fly by in an instant I hope!

The PhD thing is still kicking my behind because I have waaay too many ideas and I can't seem to settle one, which is bad because I have a meeting with the head of school tomorrow to discuss my supposed brilliance and that's just not working. On the bright side a project I have been working for 3 months now is almost complete and I am very excited about it.

So here is to a good and quick month!

Not that Complicated

2009-10-31T18:07:00.003+02:00

I firmly believe in the above statement or phrase or whatever it is we want to call it. Life just isn't that complicated. People might be complex because let's face we are complex organisms not single-celled. However life in its entirety is not complicated at all people complicate things. Take sports for instance, people take sports waaaay too seriously, I am a die-hard Arsenal supporter and today I was screaming my lungs out when van Persie scored the third goal jumping like a crazy person with my father yelling joyously at my side, I was equally lungy as well though my words were less ladylike when Fabregas missed what could have been a fourth. However, I understand that as much it might hurt when the gunners lose ( which they've become accustomed to in recent years) I am able to rise above it and recognise that it is only a game. I have watched grown men reduced to a puddle of tears because their team lost, I have seen friendships end because two people dared to support mortal enemies ( Man U and Gunners fans are not meant to be in the same room). People it's not that complicated.

It's like when you have lunch with someone and because they are afraid to call it date because of the emotional and social implications that such a word possesses they try to define it as something other than. To give it a new name, one that impersonates the regular social conventions that a date requires but isn't a date itself. So it becomes something ridiculous like an "outing" or a "lunchness" and my personal favourite "our out time" what does that even mean? An outing? what were we hiding before? lunchness? the attaching of ness to words is only cute when it's not being used as buffer what relationship phobias. And of course our out time, dude seriously? People it's not that complicated.

I don't understand why people go through life with all this irrelevant intensity, if you must be intense about life then love it and live it don't stifle it. Because guess what, it's not that complicated.

Becasue Buffy rocks always

2009-10-28T09:57:00.000+02:00